Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Jokes- Part 2!
mobile9 Forum > Beyond Mobile > Jokes & Games
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38
The old thread is by Oopsession here:

Congrats it reached over 100 pages thumbsup.gif
I don't understand why the jokes thread was closed..and part 2 has opend....if it's because it reached over 100 has describe the person above you??? unsure.gif
Oopsie - when threads get big, they become difficult to maintain.

so has describe the person above you???

vince...? whip.gif
laugh.gif Ok....can i join in....Vince whip.gif laugh.gif tongue.gif
Same reasons for the unofficial shoutbox. Makes it easier to mod if something changes (splitting 100 pages i remmember was a nightmare tongue.gif).

lol i posted too late. Well what adonis said tongue.gif
Better late than never laugh.gif tongue.gif
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

"I think you should have ironed it first!"

laugh.gif Glad you liked the joke hun winkiss.gif
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
10.gif Good joke oops. clap.gif clap.gif


Smart a** Johnny

Johnny always wanted to have sex with this hot blonde girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I will give you a $100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO".

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult with her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She said "The S.O.B used coins and I had to keep my word."
A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!"

So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"
laugh.gif clapping.gif clapping.gif clapping.gif Great jokes hun

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
and a score for oopsie ..... crowd cheering

here is the oldest joke I've ever heard ....

a bear and a rabbit taking a s*** in the woods ....... oh oh oh ... you know it .. so sorry smile.gif
laugh.gif Storm clap.gif clap.gif

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.

ha ..... funny ...... " I don't like her " she said ......

a man said to his friend ..... "it takes two hands to clap... short pause ... and two gay men to have sex" .... the other man -----> ohmy.gif
Storm your jokes are so crazy.... they really make me laugh clap.gif clap.gif

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
Marriage License

Inspired by the recent row over giving marriage licenses to gays, lesbians etc in the US

A scene at City Hall in San Francisco

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.


"Hi. We are here to get married."
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."!
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights!
The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
I donno oopsie ...... I laugh at them sometimes myself ... but ..... how am I gonna say this ..... it occured to me that they get angrey when I laugh at them ............... smile.gif
srajax 10.gif clap.gif clap.gif
@Storm laugh.gif well all i know is you make me laugh winkiss.gif
now seriously .......

a bear and a rabbit taking s*** at the woods ..... so the bear asks the rabbit "do you have problems with the s*** sticking to your fur .... the rabbit said "not at all" ..... so the bear wipe his a** with the rabbit ........ smile.gif
opsss, wanna try??? 10.gif grouphug.gif
10.gif grouphug.gif 10.gif
Subject: Finest Vodka

One day, this alcoholic retired sailor was walking down the beach and found a sparkling bottle. Out of curiosity, he picked it up, opened it, and a big fat genie come out with a grin. The genie said, "Sailor today is your lucky day, for I'm granting you one and only one wish. So make sure that this wish is very important to you and ensure that this wish is what you really want in life". The sailor paused for a moment and said, "since I loved drinking vodka, Genie I wish that every time I pee, my urine turns into the most genuine vodka in the world". Genie just smile and said, "simple enough, your wish is my command", and Genie disappeared. The sailor was so excited, but have some doubts, eager to try his luck, found an empty cup and urinate on it, smelled and taste his pee, tears of joy rolling down his face and blurted, "Wowie, this is the best vodka I've ever tasted", finish the cup and ran home. As soon as he's at the porch, he called his wife which also an alcoholic "Honey, get TWO glasses for starting today, we will be drinking vodka everyday". The wife, reluctantly brought TWO glasses and the sailor pee right on it and give one glass to his wife. "Are you drunk or nuts, what makes you think that I'm going to drink your uri..holy s***, this is genuine vodka" and the wife finish the drink in a second. And eversince, every time the sailor comes home from work, he always call his wife "Honey, get TWO glasses and lets start drinking". This kind of set-up has been going everyday, the sailor pee in TWO glasses and give one glass to his wife, everything is well till comes Friday afternoon after work, the sailor called his wife, "Honey get ONE glass, for today is a special day". "Why just ONE glass, how about me?, the wife complained. "As I've said Dear" the sailor spoke, "today is a special day, because today you will drink this vodka straight from the BOTTLE".
Subject: The corporal's son

One day while on duty as duty driver, the corporal drove three generals to their appointments. While cruising, one general broke the silence by opening, "You know Dave, Tom", addressing the other two general "I am really very proud of my eldest son. My son is very successful in life, He has his own firm, making six figures a year, and boy, he has a good heart, because yesterday, just yesterday my son gave $50,000 to charity". "Also my son", Dave the other general budge in, "my son is also very successful, he is the president of the biggest company in the country, he is making a lot of money, and what a big heart he has. Yesterday, he donated a new car, a Ferrari to charity. "Same as my son", boast Tom the third general, "my son is also very successful, he is one of the top billed actor in the movie business, you guys saw his latest film?, and he is also active in charity, because yesterday, he donated a nice 4 bedroom house to charity". "We're just lucky to have sons like them, how about you corporal, we knew that you also have a son, how is he anyway", asked the three general. The corporal's face turns red, veins popping out of his neck in anger, his eyebrow crossed, fuming, salivas flying as he spoke, "My son, my mother<swearword snipped>ing son, he is the most <swearword snipped>ed-up individual in this planet, he is a bum, a drug addict, doesn't take a shower, he is pain in my gut, and worse is, he is also a homosexual, and he got so many lovers". "If not only for his mother, I will kill that sonava<swearword snipped>, he is disgusting, I dis-owned him", the corporal added. "Well Corporal, he is still your son, he may have at least one trait that you can be proud off", the generals responded. "Well," the corporal answered, "he is a scumbag, he's no good no doubt about it, but YESTERDAY, yes, only yesterday, some of his idiot lovers gave him $50,000, a brand new Ferrari and a 4 bedroom house".
check out these mouse pads and airbags.
Would you have invested in microsoft in 1978.
Software Daddy

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad, His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male'!"
Good one srajax thumbsup.gif
10.gif clap.gif clap.gif Great jokes and pics guys laugh.gif grouphug.gif

A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"
haha.gif ......... he should have said bring me my yellow pants ..... haha.gif
unless he got jaundice haha.gif
laugh.gif Storm

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.

"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.

So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "SCREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?"

haha.gif what love does he have ......

this is a joke not very much funny but .. I need to write something

in the crazy ppl hospital .... "dunno the name" ..... an experiment made with bunch of patients put in a room and closed the door at them .. each one of them is trying to open the door except one which caught the eyes of the doctors .. they asked him .. " why don't you try to open the door " he replied " cos I got the keys with me "
laugh.gif clap.gif clap.gif that really is funny laugh.gif grouphug.gif
nice joke Storm
i have one

A man is starting a bank account and when asked for a password by the female staff he replied "PENIS".
This is what the computer screen shows...

*Password Rejected - Not long enough*
laugh.gif phirets good one clap.gif clap.gif
One for the football fans laugh.gif
pherist ........ good one thumbsup.gif

here is a joke

superman was flying over the city and he was horny as hell , he was checking windows and roofs .. untill he saw wounder woman on a roof lieing butt naked doing some tanning .. so he says "I'm superman I can go do my thing so fast that she wouldn't even notice" so he did ... wounder woman "what the <swearword snipped> was that " ... and the invisible man says "I don't know but my asshole is killing me "
ROFL Storm clap.gif clap.gif great joke grouphug.gif

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest ti*s I've ever seen."
clap.gif clap.gif Great jokes everyone!!
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest ti*s I've ever seen."


a group of ppl at a resturant talking about the thieft that was on TV last night and woundring who could have done it , a kid at the next table said " I did it " they replied " yeah you are right haha " a few seconds later they figuered it out smile.gif
laugh.gif clapping.gif clapping.gif

The difference between having Guts and having Balls...

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a** and having the balls to say, "You're next."

The Golden Urinal

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think " he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone.
laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif clap.gif clap.gif

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"
ouch haha.gif
Good Joke Oops! clap.gif


What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.


What is a Kiss?

In view of...

GEOMETRY: Kiss is the shortest distance between two Lips!

ECONOMICS: Kiss is that thing for which DEMAND is always higher than SUPPLY!

PHYSICS: It is that essence, which CHARGES THE BODY!

COMPUTER: Its a LAN which connects two hardwares without any DATA ACCESSORY!
laugh.gif clapping.gif clapping.gif srajax great joke hun

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

A guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said,"Hi,there,good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,"Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, backdoor, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it!!!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too!! What firm are you with?"
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.