Love the economy joke

A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decides to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day.

At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door.

There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching a clawing at the door and the handle.

The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients.

Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn't trying to open the door.

The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, "I've got the key!"

Roflcoptercheeseburger

Thanks


A Letter to God

The post office received a letter addressed "To God." Not knowing where to deliver it, they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches.
The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting:

Dear God,

I hate to bother you, but my family is having it tough right now. The rent is two month's due, my wife is expecting, and my car is broke down. Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job. Please send us 1,000 bucks and I won't bother you again.

The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it. "He lives right down the street from the church," she said. "This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care."

The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members. Finally, after much discussion, they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets. They came up with 500 bucks, then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him.

Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment. Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God. It was from the same fellow.

Dear God,

I hate to bother you again, but I lost my new job at the shoe store, my car was wrecked, and my wife is in the hospital again. Please send me 1,000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs.
Thanks again.

P.S. Please send it to me directly this time. Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it.

OMFG THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks!

Thanks

Father : what do you do to control your anger when i beat you ?

Son : I start cleaning toilet .

father : How this satisfy you ?

Son : I clean toilet with your tooth Brush

OWNED HARDCORE

Banta was bragging to his boss one day," You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Banta how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough,Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Banta's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Banta says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." At the White House, Bush spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and have a cup of coffee first."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House, he expresses his doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Banta. "My folks are from Poland, and I have known the Pope a long time." So
they fly to Rome.

Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Banta says, "This will never work. I cannot catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I will come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Banta asks him, "What happened?" His boss
looks up and says," I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said," Who is that on the balcony with Banta?"

A Santa and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Santa and hands him $500.

The Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Santa reaches into his purse,hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep.

One day santa went with his wife preeto to a clinic, the doctor took the patient (preeto) inside the consultation room.

Preeto: Doctor please call your nurse inside!

Doc: Why you have no faith in me or What??

Preeto: No doctor, It's not like that, I have no faith in my husband!

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell." This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said

"I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven." Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it." So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"

She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!" They were shocked and asked why. "Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you?

good one

Thanks
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you.

I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint my house."

Good one! how'bout this one:

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and def enseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

" Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Or this one:

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The... Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times and kicked her out of the room!

hahahha that's funny!
muy chistoso nick

Funny

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask.

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

funny

hahahaha omg i love it ! hahah XD

One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. The cannibals said:

"If you do what we say, we won’t kill you".

So the 3 people followed the orders from thecannibals. The cannibals said:

"Go into the forest and pick 10 pieces of the first kind of fruit you see".

So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said:

"Stick the apples up in your a** without making a facial expression".

The person then frowned in pain after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him. The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said:

"Put the cherries up your a** without making a facial expression".

The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.

In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries:

"why did you start laughing at the tenth cherry? You were almost there". The person replied:

"I saw the third person come out with 10 pineapples."

Jasmeet : "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband Banta."
Judge : "But why ?"
Jasmeet : "Because he is not faithful to me."
Judge : "How do you know ?"
Jasmeet : "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Funny

Kiss Defined
Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

A guy accompanied his wife to a parlor when she went to get a haircut.


Reading a magazine, he found a hairstyle quite nice, so he just asked the receptionist if he could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.


"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.


(Taken Back) "But my wife is here getting a haircut," the guy explained.


"Yes,I know!" she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

A Quality Analysis Engineer married an average girl

After 24 months of tough life with her, finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law stating that:

'Your product is not meeting my requirements'

The smart father-in-law replies,

'Warranty expired, Manufacturer not responsible'

very funny bro

Ladies Room

While at the college Santa happened to watch the notice board.
It reads: Invites suggestions for the modification of Ladies Room.
Santa writes under
Let the men Permit to Enter

very very funny indeed nick

Indian Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to American hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".

The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asked the man.

"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Girls r special ones created by god..
if u praise her,she thinks u r tell'g lies
if u dont, u r gud 4 noth'g if she
talks,she wants u 2 listen.if u listen,
she wants u 2 talk. if u tuch her, u r not a
gentleman. if u dont, u not a man.
If u agree 2 all her likes, u r a wimp.
if u dont, u r not understand'g so
simple yet so complex, so wierd yet

so beautiful. Thats a girl...

Nice



A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

i am a boy

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured."

The psychologist explains:

"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster."

"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."

The shortest joke about blondes:

A blonde says: I think...

What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
Gifted.

do u mean garfild

No, gifted!

garfild