HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.


The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court a nd screws you in front of everyone. And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Nice SURVEY conducted BABY,you never replied how was mine?

One day someone killed nobody so mad called police.
And said police that someone has killed nobody.
Police officer said "are u crazzy??"
He said "No, he is in washroom n u r thinking me crazzy"
Police officer said in angry mood " Do u have brain??"
He said " how can i have brain while he is reading books...."
Police officer said "Damn, I think u r mad.."
He said " Yeah buddy, U got right now"
Police officer murmerred " if we will have citizens like this in our country, our country will be sinking"

These were 5 friends named
1) Crazy
2) Mad
3) Brain
4) Someone
5) Nobody

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I’m mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

Great Jokes Everyone

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" he demanded.

"Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee ....her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the allowance you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She also explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o' Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit.

lol

@ LotusB

I saw that you said that you get them sent to you everyday to your email.
How??

Can you tell me how please??

if you do i thank you

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday , I picked up two college girls, hitch hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

THE HUSBAND STORE:


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !


There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ..... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband ......



On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.



The second floor sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.



The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking



"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.



"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to



the fifth floor and sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!!



Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Lolz Nice one Thumpy

heres a visual joke for all

Mummy I Dont Wanna Marry!!


Dont they both look familiar!

HAHAHAHAHA

LOL

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for d.i.c.k.s. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for v.a.g.i.n.a.s. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction.

An Important Message About Growing Older






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Bugger ! I forgot what I was going to tell you .. .

A frog once goes to an astrologer, to know about his future.

The astrologer says "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the astrologer "Next semester in her biology class."

LOL good one

Lmao I have heard it before but it's still funny and so true...

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then

she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her

right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a

broken finger."

This is said to be a true story:

In a social gathering Marilyn Monroe crossed words with Albert Einstein, she suggested the following to him:
- 'What do you say proffessor, should we marry and have a child together? Do you imagine a child with my beauty and your intelligence?'

Einstein answered very seriously:
- 'Unfortunately dear, I am afraid the experiment may turn the other way around and we end up with a kid with my beauty and your intelligence!'

Yeap, the guy had his humurous side too!

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Very funny

Thanks

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Hilarious

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.

HAHA

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

nice one

Thanks

When the end of the world came, everybody on earth went to heaven.

God said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there were two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

very funny

Thanks

Letter from husband ( who is abroad) to wife

Dear Sweetheart:

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses Instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him Some other items....... ....

5. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!

Your Sweet Heart

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

Very funny

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

hahahahhaha made my day! thank you!

Welcome Bro


An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.

The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

You always keep me

Secret of a happy married life by a man

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

X asked, "Can you explain?"

Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"

Y said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

X asked, "Then what is your role?"

Y said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price.

The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28".

Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250"

The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?"

The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview.

The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out.

"Sorry, I can't." he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

Time for a graphic joke...

The economy around the globe has been so bad in recent times that even pets have to contribute to family income... cats can be very dramatic!