three blonds are walking through a trail in the forest the first blond stops suddenly and looks down
"you see these tracks right here these are rabbit tracks"
the second blond asks
"how do you know that they are rabbit tracks?"
"well i saw it on discovery channel" answers the 1st
they continue walking when suddenly the third blond stops and says
"you see these tracks right here these are deer tracks"
the second blond ask
"how do you know that these are deer tracks?"
"well i saw it on animal planet" answers the 3rd
they continue walking when all three suddenly stop
both the 1st and the 3rd look at the 2nd and ask
"what kind of tracks are these?"
"i don't know" answers the second
and then all three are hit by a train

SKITSOfranic Out

hahahahahaha

i'm glad that u liked it i heard it from my manager at work

SKITSOfranic Out

Hahahahaha...Lol Nice joke!

three female workers were chatting in the office-
1st- i saw a cond*m in the boss' drawer!
2nd- yeah i saw it too. i made a hole in it!
3rd- sh*t. i'm in big trouble!

The Invisible Man and Wonder Woman are having sex on the roof of his penthouse.

Superman flies by and he looks down to see Wonder Woman writhing naked on her back.

"Hmmm ..." he thinks.
"I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could fly down there, help myself and be off in a flash."

So he does.

"What the hell was that?" Wonder Woman exclaims.

"Dunno," replied the Invisible Man, "But my a** is killing me."

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Nice.

here another one on blondes

one blond drive her a car and speeding, when police car behind her said her to stop on the side.
the blond stop and form the police car come out a blond policewoman, and she ask for the driving licences.
the blond driver ask the policewoman what driving licence look like, so the policewoman said that it is have a picture for her on it, the blond search and find a mirror and and it the the policewoman who check it and said
Why did you said form the beginning that you are a policewoman

MOTHERS MILK :

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid -term exam.

The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all.

One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in such cute containers.

He got an A.

one more (i need 50 posts lol)

Spanish computers‏

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

One blond with earphone in her ears enters a barber shop, the barber ask her how to cut her hair but she do not hear.
The barber ask again but she still to not hear, the barber decide to take the earphone off, suddenly the blond became blue, purple, green and falls on the floor and fainted, the barber decide to listen to the earphone and hear: breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out

hmmm..i m blonde..where can i buy such a headset?

pantoflica, I hope you have no hard feeling about the blond joke, I do not believe that blond are like that,
you joke about the milk, make me laugh every time I read it, hope it is OK that I translate it and tell to my friends

sure i dont mind lol... i luv blonde jokes
and im so glad if i make u laugh
<---my favorite smiley

Ok here few quick jokes:

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards."


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

You very good at jokes.

here mine:

two tomatoes trying to cross the road, suddenly a car running over one of the tomatoes, the second her ask "are you coming or staying ketchup"

here another one:

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see you're nuts!"

How can you tell a gay whale?

It sinks the ship and swallows all of the seamen.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man

standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink

envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle

and starts spraying scent all over them.



His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and

asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine

cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

omg!! this one is great! gka!!!!

One day a lawyer visted a school to inspect whether the children are studying well. He went 2 the small boys section. They were happy 2 see him. But one boy was screaming. Class teacher asked "what's ur problem?" , Boy answered that he want 2 go 2 bath room. Teacher was fully upset bcos she thought that it will be shame 4 her. So she said if u want 2 go for bathroom mention that u want to whistle.

So the Boy was happy and he went 2 bathroom and finished his duty. Afterwards that same boy was screaming again in his house for the same reason. Time was really mid night. his father waked up and asked Wat's ur Problem ?. Boy answered that he want to whistle. Father of the boy was amazed of his child's answer and said "if u want 2 whistle do that in my ears". So the boy was happy and did all the dirty thing in his father's ear.

What is a blonde with two brain cell ?

blonde in pregnant

Birthing coach: "All you mommies-to-be should know that walking while you’re pregnant is very beneficial. And you husbands, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partners."

One husband: "Is it OK if she carries a golf bag?"

Dr. Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over! and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, " we were counting today, and all the other kids
could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
9. 10!

"Very good," said her mother.

" Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, ' we were saying the alphabet today and all the
other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B , C , D, E
, F , G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because you're blonde"

"The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled " we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls have flat chests, but I have these!" And she
lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36cs.



"Very good," said her embarassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, honey. It's because you're 24!"

great 1 kopper!!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)




Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH



Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY , that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR



Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)



One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"



LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER




Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

... kool stories guys ...

KopperHol is are funny

Fred went to the doctors " Doctor I need your help. I have this wierd thing attached to my you know what".
"Drop your pants and lets have a look" Says the doc.
"It's a car steering wheel"! He exclaims. "How long has it been there?
"I don't know". Said Fred," but can you get it off, it's driving me nuts".

This Is my own thought-

Nokia- Connecting People

So Sony Ericsson- Disconnecting People

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Customer: "Hello"
Tech support: "Good day sir. How may I help you?"
Customer: "I can't print."
Tech support: "Would you click on "start" for me and.....
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical with me! I'm not Bill Gates."



Tech Support: "What's on your monitor now madam"?
Customer: "Err, some stickers and a teddy bear my boyfriend got me from Woolies"

With thanks to Joke of the day.

good one!!

What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it drops out of a tree, it'll kill you?



A pool table.

just something i heard on a TV show.....




that's soo funniiieee

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Here Are Some Small Jokes From Me.
Hope No One Minds.

A College Couple
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."


Lottery
Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

Some More :

☻Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO
Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.


☻Little Sister: Your Ugly.
You: And your quite good looking...for a Gorilla, that is...



☻Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell


☻Friend: I've changed my mind...
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better?


☻Boss: Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...

A bit long but do go through it-One of my personal favourites!!

A smart child

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

awesome thump.....rotfl

That was funny as heck Thump! Thanks, I needed a good laugh.

Hair Spray
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Deadly DOG

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied."I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

Hair Spray
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Deadly DOG

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied."I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

I'm glad u liked it

this is an actual story..........

i went to a local burger shop, and ordered a huge burger with the works, esp. extra cheese.....

the guy at the counter asked "how would you like your burger with our new special BROWN BREAD? it is healthier."

duh.....?? fat chance! if i wanted to eat healthy, i wouldn't be in a burger shop in the first place!

New Technology


Three men were sitting naked in a sauna.Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear,speaking into it. The others looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest cell phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail. The third man was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bottom.He looked around and "Oh look, I've got a fax coming through"!

Newspaper Ad


A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

lol! the fax one was cool! the door-bell one is funny too, but i had heard it b4