One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Bambi, a buxom blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

When Bambi said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to pharmacy and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

Nice ones

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely satisfied, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.

But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another whole year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly he has this huge erection, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

AMAZING!!!

Hehehe... funny

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking "surely I can't look that old? Well... You'll love this tale from a woman.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name................Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 40 years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School "yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang." he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1968. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, grey, decrepit son-of-a-<swearword snipped> asked

"What did you teach?"

hahahaha

Man, great jokes DeZal... I think you're the best one contributing...

Thanks Blood


A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecker says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

didn't quite get this one......

guy says to gal-"wanna have s*x with me?" (yeah i know that pick-up line suc*s)
gal says-"srry, i'm a lesbian....."
guy(totally confused)-"what's that mean?"
gal-"i like to have s*x only with girls...."
guy-"shucks!i'm a lesbian too!"

arab, on his first interview........
interviewer: name?
Arab: xxxxxxx
interviewer: age?
Arab: 24
interviewer: sex
Arab: six times a week.
interviewer: no, i mean, male or female?
Arab(blushing a l'il): doesn't matter. sometimes even camel.....

There once was a pirate who had a peg leg, a hook on his left hand, and a patch on his left eye. One day this pirate walked into a pub and sat down at the table beside a cabin boy. The cabin boy looks at him and said, "Hey mate, what happened to your leg, sir?" The pirate looked at him and said "AYE, I was leaning over to clean the side of me boat when I FELL into the water and a shark tore it off!" The cabin boy took a sip of his drink and looked back at the pirate's gleaming silver hook and said "Gee sir that sounds terrible, but what I would really like to know is what happened to yer hand?" The Pirate looked at him and looked back at his mug of ale and said," Aye, I was boarding another ship when some scaly landlubber cut it off with a razor sharp blade!"

Then the cabin boy looked at the pirates eye patch and asked, "Excuse me sir, but just one more question, what happened to your eye, I must know, oh please tell me?" The Pirate look kind of annoyed but answered anyway, he said, "It happened a long time ago when a seagull pooped in me eye and I tried to rub it out with me hook!"

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

MORAL:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with them.

had heard that one b4, but nice one anyways

Taliban One-Liners:

Q:Why does Osama always carry a piece of s*** in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID

Q: What do bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What does osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of s***?
A: the bucket

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: Why don't bin laden's people eat s*** sandwiches?
A: they can't stand bread

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: because the camels can't handle it

Q: How do you break up an Afghani Bingo?
A: B52

-by expert_21 ( i just copied from another thread )

1 is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks

2 why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand

3 if a word was misspelled in a dictionary how would we ever know

4 if Webster wrote the first dictionary where did he find the words

5 why do tug boats push

6 why is it called after dark when really its after daylight

7 if work is so good why do they pay for you to do it

8 if all the worlds a stage where do the audience sit

9 if love is blind why is lingerie so popular

10 why is a bra singular but knickers is plural

11 why do we press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are failing

12 why do we put suits in garment bags but garments in suitcases

13 Christmas is weird what other time of year do you sit round a dead tree and eat sweets out your socks

heres some more for you to ponder on

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Is the main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there are no women around him ....is he still wrong

if someone with multiple personalities threaten to kill himsel, is it classed as a hostage situation

is the another word for synonym

what do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant

why dont sheep shrink in the rain

what was the best thing before sliced bread

why do toasters allways have a setting that burns toast to a crisp that no one would ever eat

why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they dont point to their crotch when they ask for the toilet

why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours they are both dogs

if Quizzes are Quizzical what are tests

Adult = a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle

Beauty Parlour = a place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal = someone who is fed up with people

Chickens = the only animal you eat before they are born and after they die

Committee = a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

Dust = mud with the juice sqeezed out

Egotist = someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Gossip = a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief = cold storage

Inflation = cutting money in half without damaging the paper

Myth = a female moth

Secret = something you tell one person at a time

Skeleton = a bunch of bones with the person scraped off

Toothache = a pain that drives you to extraction

Tommorrow = one of the greatest labour saving devices of today

Wrinkles = someting other people have. you have character lines

-by sheels speare

A man takes his obviously dead dog to the vet. The man says to the vet, "I think my dog is real sick. Would you please examine him and tell me what you think?" The vet looks at the dog and says, "I'm very sorry Mr. Smith but your dog has died." The man implores, "Are you sure doctor? Is there any tests you can run to be sure?" "Oookay," says the doctor skeptically. He has his assistant bring in the office house cat. The cat proceeds to sniff the dog from nose to tail, jumps off the table and goes into the other room. The doctor says, "Well that confirms my diagnosis, Mr. Smith, your dog has passed on." Regrettably, the doctor continues. "And I am really sorry to have to give you the bill for our services at such a time." The man looks at the bill and in shock says, "$285? $285 to tell me my dog is dead??" "No," says the doctor, "That was only $35. The other $250 was for the cat scan.

A man takes his obviously dead dog to the vet. The man says to the vet, "I think my dog is real sick. Would you please examine him and tell me what you think?" The vet looks at the dog and says, "I'm very sorry Mr. Smith but your dog has died." The man implores, "Are you sure doctor? Is there any tests you can run to be sure?" "Oookay," says the doctor skeptically. He has his assistant bring in the office house cat. The cat proceeds to sniff the dog from nose to tail, jumps off the table and goes into the other room.the doc then summons his labrador.
he enters,takes one look at the dog, and leaves shaking his head.
The doctor says, "Well that confirms my diagnosis, Mr. Smith, your dog has passed on." Regrettably, the doctor continues. "And I am really sorry to have to give you the bill for our services at such a time." The man looks at the bill and in shock says, "$285? $285 to tell me my dog is dead??" "No," says the doctor, "That was only $35. The other $250 was for the cat scan and the lab report."

@blood-i hope u dont mind this slight modification

Well, just that few words...

What's 1x2? 2
What's 1+1? 2
Who wrote Tom Sawyer? Twain
Now say all the answers together, in order.
Two Two Twain
Have a nice twip!

hahahaha

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"

@dezal- nice one there!

A bird (the feathered variety) flies into Heathrow and queues at customs. As he gets to the desk he looks at the guy behind the screen and starts shouting and swearing. The bloke calls security and they calm the bird down and ask him what the problem is. "You buggers wouldn't let our kid into the country yesterday" said the bird, and started to rant and rave again. "Whoa" said the bloke, "just a cotton pickin minute" I remember him. He was coughing and spluttering all over the place . I wouldn't let him through cos I thought he was an ill eagle !


Sayonara ! He ? Aho

Great jokes guys!

@bumphrey- hehehe
had to read the last line twice though

here's my it is connection to cellphone


One day the keys on the keypad in the cellphone what to have a party so they decide to meet on 0 house.
1 came with 3 , 2, 4 and 6 came together 5 came with 7 and #, 8 came alone, after same time the wad the knock on the door and 0 open it to see who is there ans he saw dot, he tell dot that she can nor enter because it only for the keypads, and dot say that she is * but she put hair jel

huh? wat does it mean?

It kinda weak because it is translation for Hebrew.

the joke that the * put jel so it look like dot, and there is no dot on the cellphone keypad

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The minister was then asked by the flight attendant if he would like the same.

Reeling back, the minister replied, " I'd rather be tied to a chair and ravaged by women of ill repute than let the demon drink touch my lips. "

Hearing this, the cowboy handed his drink back saying "me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Has the thread finished?
If so, forget the last joke!


Sayonara He? Aho

the thread hasn't finished! and the last joke was really funny!

Thank goodness, I thought everyone else had done an Elvis and left the building. (Huh Huh, thankyouverymuch)!
Glad you enjoyed the joke though.







Sayonara He? Aho

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

“Sweetheart, work with me on this,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”

An old hill billy farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

"done an elvis" wat does that mean?

When his stageshow had finished, an announcement would be made "Elvis has left the building"! This meant that they also wanted the audience to go home.

When nobody had posted a joke since the end of July, I thought the rest of M9 had "done an Elvis", and left the building.

Here endeth another history lesson.



Sayonara He? Aho

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates.
"In order for you to enter Heaven" he said, "you must each have on your person a symbol of Christmas"
The first guy put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a lighter.He lit it and said "a candle". "You may pass" said St Peter.
The second man took out a set of keys , jiggled them and said "bells". "You may pass" said St Peter.
The third guy fumbled in his pocket for a minute and finally pulled out a pair of ladies panties.
"Let me through" he said. "Hold on" said St Peter "what do you think they are"?
"These"? said the guy. Oh these are Carols!

thx for the lesson


your joke reminds me of another time when three fathers of the church had died.....they stood at the pearly gates and St.Peter said "i'll ask all three of you one question each. if u answer correctly, u may enter heaven. else u will go to hell."
to the first he asked "tell me, who was the first man born?"
"easy," the priest said " it was ADAM"
"very good! u may enter heaven." then to the second "tell me whio was the fiorst woman born?"
"easy...EVE"
"superb. u may enter heaven." the finally to the third- "tell me, what did eve say when she first saw adam?"
now the third bloke thought and thought.....it was nowhere in the Bible, nor in any of the scriptures he had read....."hmmmmm......oh, its a hard one!"
"very good! u may also enter heaven"

Nice jokes guys!

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation,
get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity
Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on
the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in
and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of
Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of
the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again
they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and
release her. The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and
says, "Well, I'm from Michigan State University and just graduated with
a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll
ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

HAHAHA! best joke i've heard