Great jokes

Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

doctor to patient:''ive got sum bad news, and sum good news.

patient:''whats the good news?''

doctor:''u r going to be famous''

patient:''y?

doctor:''they r going to name a diseas after u''

No Toilet Paper
There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your a** with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his a** with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.

Demanding Justice
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastad.

I loved this one:
"Excuse me, but sex is not yet a matter to authorize you in the icq"

S-S-S-T-T-T-TUTTER-R-R-RING P-P-PROBLEM

A man walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Seems as though you've got a major stuttering problem."

The man replies, "N-n-no k-k-k-idding!"

The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered since!"

The man says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."

A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."

The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"

"I d-d-did!" said the man, "It j-j-just d-d-didn't w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!"

All about Bill Gates:

1. Bill Gates earns US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!

2. If he drops a thousand dollar, he won't even bother to pick it up bcoz the 4 seconds he picks it, he would've already earned it back.

3. The US national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates were to pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.

4. He can donate US$15 to every one on earth but still be left with US$5 Million for his pocket money.

5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he doesn't drink and eat, and keeps up his annual income i.e. US$30 Million, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is now.

6. If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on earth.

7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to US$1 notes, you can make a road from earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 planes to transport all the money.

8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he will live for another 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish all his money before he can go to heaven.

Last but not the least:
If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will be bankrupt in 3 years!!!!!!! !!!!

It's Tough Being a Guy

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

..

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

..

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

..

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

..

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

..

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

..

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

..

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

..

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

..

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

..

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore

..

kahani me twist........

love story:
hero loves heroine,

but heroine loves villain,

but villain loves hero sister,

but hero sister loves heroine brother.

but heroine brother loves villain sister.

but villain sister loves hero brother.

but hero brother loves heroine.

but heroine loves villain.

finally 2 ppl commit siucide.

hu's dat?


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.. Producer n Director

Smart Sardar !

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angelesto New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment,agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!



HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like

yours!!





HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!





HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must have been given your share!!!



HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!



HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay, get out!!!



HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?



HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!



HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why, don't you already have one?



HE: Shall we go and see a film?

SHE: I've already seen it!!!



HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!



HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.



HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.





HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

WIFE SELECTION

Good one............................

How guys select the girl they want to marry.....
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?


* > > > > > > > He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!

> > >

* > > > > > > > Men will be Men.... Obviously!!!

At a doctor's shop one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious
backache. The doctor examines him and asks him "What the hell did you do
to your back?


"The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?
Today morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the
balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone.


As looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was
dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I
strained my back"


The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell
happened to you?"


He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was
the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and
you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."


The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do.

The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!"

Great Jokes

fire started on some grassland near a farm.
The C.D.F. fire department was called
to put the fire out.
The fire was a more than the C.D.F.
could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby
volunteer bunch be called.
Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit
would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteers arrived
in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They rumbled straight towards the fire
and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directions.
Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two
easily controllable parts.Watching all this,
the farmer was so impressed with
the volunteer fire department's work and
was so grateful that his farm had been spared,
that right there on the spot he presented
the volunteers with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked
the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.
"That oughta be obvious," he responded,
wiping ashes off his coat.
"The first thing we're gonna do is
get the brakes fixed on that darn old fire truck."

nice joke, and nice sig

Why did osama bin laden kill his wife?

Because he looked up her skirt and saw bush!

thanks Oopsie

nice one happylass!!!

Two drunks walk into a building.


You'd think they would have seen it.

that almost made me fall off my chair!!

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol'lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, What was that for Ma?" She replies: "That's for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?" He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

Computer Age Answer to Birth

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: YOU GOT MALE!

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

, i'll try that when i have a kid.......(kiddin(the irony of it(this sentence barely avoided collapsing into nothing)))

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack a strange voice echoed from the dark, saying: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU".

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep" the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"

The burglar relaxed........"Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses", replied the bird.

"Moses"! the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot "Moses"?

The bird promptly replied "Probably the same kind of people who would name their Rottweiler "Jesus"...

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

Great jokes all



Redneck Joke
From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

lol, nice postscript

Parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."

He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

hehehehe!!!!!

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.

The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''''

The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DUI.''''

The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''''

Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.

The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.'' The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

Well here goes..

Bill Gates gets married and he goes wth his wife in bed to have sex.

While they are having it his wife says: Oh,Bill you are so Micro you are so Soft.

And than he thought about his company name...

lol

A boy and his father are driving down the motorway when suddenly they have a serious crash.The father dies instantly,the boy is serious ill needing immediate surgery.The boy is rushed to hostpital and straight to the operating theatre.The surgeon takes one look at the boy and says " im sorry i cannot operate on him,he is my son!"

Who is the surgeon?

mother

yeaaaah very good But you will be amazed how many people cant think of the answer.

I I can see where is possible confusion....

Great Jokes all

I have one which includes my future profession....

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Great jokes guys!
the pilot gripe sheet was the best

The love story of Ralph and Edna.


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bath room with his bath robe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”.

lol thats a good one!

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"