Great Jokes Guys

SEX AND YOUR FIRST NAME!
*Mines is P*

According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity... what do you think? (Those of you with names that start with anything else will probably wish it started with "K"!)

A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as a statement of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your statement of endearments and particularly when it comes to love making. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

C- You are totally f-king marvellous!

D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open mind.

E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bed-mate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G- You seek perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

H- You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

I- You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual statement. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your statement of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating; otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

K- You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

M- You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred and you crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

N- You are crap in bed.

O- You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social
and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q- You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately sexy, but you do not beg; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.

U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

V- You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W- You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as she or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bed-mate.

Z- For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in anyway bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Well I must say there is something in this...
Anyway, mine starts with S!

Hum... I'm letter L... means that i am romantic... watch out girls!!!



LuisLeal

Mine is R.

Now time for another joke.

A TRUE POKER PLAYER

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife,
Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress !
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head
on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's
wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well
indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and
as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom
and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John then quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering
the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did s top by for
a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And
did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !

What's the difference between anxiety and panic?

- anxiety is the first time a man can't get it up the second time.

- panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,

A Love Story

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

All my love,









The Flu.... what did you think it was?

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

A man went into his doctor's office to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis, after his mistress had found the ring in his pant pocket and was so mad she slipped it on his penis when he was asleep.

I dont know what is worse?

1. your mistress finding out that you are married?

2. Explaining to your wife how the ring got there in the first place?

3. or finding out that you penis fits through your wedding ring?

A husband and wife were getting ready to go to a costume party.
Wife comes down absolutely naked with only a big old pair of boots on her feet.
Hasband asks, what the heck kind of costume is this supposed to be?
Wife says - Puss in Boots!
So husband goes to get ready and come down completely naked with only a glass vase on his penis.
Wife asks what costume is this supposed to be.
Husband says A Fire Alarm.
A fire alarm?? she says laughing
husband says yeah! in case of fire break glass, pull twice and I come.

A girl an boy walking through a pasture come upon 2 horses mating.
What is that long thing asks the girl.
Its his rope the boy says.
Then what is that at the end the girl asks
Those are his knots the boy says.
Ok I got it says the girl.
Upahead they get inside a barn and the girl asks the boys to make love to her like the horses.
The boy is all excited and start to get it on.
The girl suddenly grab his balls and squeezes.
the boy cries out loud, what are you doing?
The girl innocently replies I am trying to untie your knots to get more rope.

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Sign at a local bar

once there was a man and his wife,his wife told him:
tell me something sweet,he said chocolate
tell me something neat,he said kindness
tell me something that proves i'm your wife
he said:youre divorced

Great jokes

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose
any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.>

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to
the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step
as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

MISS WORLD QUESTIONS

Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Because it stands every time it sees a woman.........

Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull).
Because it charges every time it sees an opening....

Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.
Because it passes from mouth to mouth......

Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
Because they like to enter through the back door.....

Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.
Because it works day and night......

Ms Malaysia,how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.
Look tough but actually very soft.........

Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over.....

The Musical Octopus
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

Nice ones...allmost make me cry...I am glad that I can understand a english jokes....

Thats one happy octopus

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work. The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.

Honour of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)

===========================

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine –

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

=======================

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only
time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be???....)

============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." ( it's
just a suggestion.)

========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(wouldn,t this save me time?)

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (..I'm taking
this because???....)

==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

==========================

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)

===========================

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Women think they already know everything, but wait.. Training Courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You can't Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear " the rules " from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side .

These are our rules!
Please note! these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one :
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are .
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as CARS, the shotgun formation,
or BASKETBALL.


1 You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy


"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner


"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are unimportant."
--George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone


"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-<swearword snipped>."
--Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady --- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams


"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld


"Instead of getting m married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

Thoughts to Ponder : Why ... why ... why ... Have you ever wondered?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?

Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?

Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?

Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

i notice this is one of your fayv topics so here is another for you :
sex at 8 yrs you dont need it,
@ 18 yrs u luv it
@ 28yrs u need it
@ 38 yrs you pay for it
@48 yrs you beg for it
@ 58 yrs u pray for it
@ 68 yrs u dream of it so get it now while u are still young!!!!!!!!!!!

what exactly did u have in mind??

anyways, nice ones

The following warning labels will be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy
WARNING: The consumption of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch a** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a s***su would you get a Bulls***?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your a**?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Very nice....!

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

hahahahaha

yes hahahahahahaha...

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish are stranded in the middle of the desert. Tired and hungry, they stumble upon a gold lamp. The English man picks it up, and rubs it down. To their shock, a purple mist appears from the nossle and a Genie appears before them.

"At last, after 200 years I am finally free!" The Genie exclaims. "For releasing me from my prison, I will grant you each a wish. However, you will remain in a locked cell for 50 years with this wish."
Out of nowhere, 3 cells appear in the desert.

The Geneie asks the Englishman: "What is your wish?"
"I want a gorgeous lady with big ti*s!" He remarks.
"Very well." The Genie replies. With a clap of his hands, a stunning blonde appears in the first cell. The English man rushes in without a second thought. The Genie closes the cell door and locks it.

He asks the Scottish man:
"I want 50 years supply of wiskey!" Again, the genie claps his hands and stacks of wiskey appear in the second cell. The Scottish man is locked in the cell.

The Genie asks the Irish man:
"I want 50 years supply of cigarettes!" The cigarettes appear in the cell and the Irish man is then locked in.

50 years pass and the Genie returns to the cells. He opens the door to the English man's cell. The room is full with babies and children. The English man, lying down with the beautiful woman, smiles at the Genie and thanks him for the 50 years.

The Genie goes to the Scottish man's cell. The Scottish man is on the floor - mindlessly drunk with wiskey and obviously near death asfter 50 years of hard drinking.

The Genie opens the door to the Irish man's cell. The Irish jumps up from the floor and says: "Have you got a light?"

Steven Spielberg and a Chinese were drinking in a bar. Suddenly, Spielberg slapped the Chinese;

Chinese: Why did you do that?

Spielberg: That's for bombing the Pearl Harbor. My father died there.

Chinese: But that's Japanese who bombed Pearl Harbor, not Chinese.

Spielberg: You fool! Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, you are all the same!

Then the Chinese punched Spielberg;

Spielberg: Why did you punched me?

Chinese: That's for sinking the Titanic.

Spielberg: but The Titanic sunk because of the iceberg.

Chinese: You fool! Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you are all the same!!

that irish guy one was funny

@Tyronne

yes very funny!

Mental Asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

ok guys u r gonna LOVE this one-
Weird and Wonderful Site Names
All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through!
Take note of their 'Domain Names'! Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was
I thinking?" Award!
ALL of these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign, (and work - safe, in case
you're wondering).

1). A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is: www.whorepresents.com

2). 'Experts Exchange', a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com

3). Looking for a pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island' at: www.penisland.net

4). Need a 'therapist'? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

5). Then of course, there's the 'Italian Power Generator Company' - www.powergenitalia.com

6). And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,
based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7). If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8). Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9). Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their wacky website: www.speedofartcom

10). Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at: www.gotahoe.com

Good jokes guys. especially the funny sitenames and irish guy.

yo momma is fat that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck.


yo momma is so fat, she makes free willy look like a two tone tic tac!

A blind man and a cross-eyed man were in a boxing match..

Blind Man: Hey coward! come out of the darkness and fight me like a man!

Cross-eyed Man: Why should I come out?

...

There's two of you!!!

Great jokes all


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, " this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.

Elderly husband and wife start having an argument,the argument gets very heated and in a sudden burst of anger the husband tells his wife "you know when you die i will have these word engraved on your headstone" "here lies my beloved wife cold as ever!"
"oh really" said the wife " well when you die i will have these words engraved on your headstone""here lies my beloved husband hard at last!"

What do you call a dog with no legs??????????



Nothing!!!! He won't come anyway!!!

english kid scottish kid and irish kid sitting in college classroom.The teacher tells them over the weekend he wants them to learn as much as they can about spiders,and come back on monday and tell him what they have learnt.

On monday they all return and the teacher says to the english kid "ok so what can you tell me about spiders"?
The english kid replies "well i learnt about the garden spider it is a yellow brownish colour,has eight legs,lays 200 to 300 eggs and is mostly found among hedges and damp areas of the garden".
"very good" said the teacher and turns to the scottish kid and says "and what have you learnt"?
"well" said the scottish kid "i learnt about the house spider,its brownish black colour,can be found all over the house but particularly likes the bathroom and damp areas,it lays 300 to 400 eggs"
"very good " replies the teacher and turns finally to the irish kid and asks the same.
"well sir what i learnt is this, i got a spider and i put it on the table and i said "back back" and it moved back" "i said "come come" "and it came forward,so i pulled all its legs off and once again i said "back back" and it didn't move i said "come come" and it still didn't move".
"hmmm yeah so what conclusion did you come to"?said the teacher. And the irish kid replied
" i learnt that when you pull a spiders legs off sir it goes deaf".

man goes to the doctors battered and bruised.The doctor says "oh dear what ever has happened to you?" The man explains that the previous evening he heard a knock at the front door and when he answered it standing there was a six foot beetle "he grabbed me by the throat doctor,pinned me to the floor,punched me repeatedly in the face and body and kicked me several times in the ribs then ran off"
"hmmm i know there is a nasty bug going about" said the doctor