Who Runs The Human Body?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just be an asshole.

That last joke was really funny


An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

Great joke oops.

Thanks hun

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

If only God Was A Women

Sex would smell like chocolate

Farts would smell like roses

Dogs would smell spring fresh

Babies would come from vending machines

Men would be born with a permanent erection

All women would have the same size breasts

Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE

Men would be born with an "OFF" switch

A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife

Men would inherit the menstrual cycle

Men would come with software to be custom designed

Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife

Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth

Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches

Sex would last longer than 30 seconds!

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."

The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you for good. I've been a good woman to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
called to tell me that you had quit your job today
and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new negligee. You came
home and ate in two minutes yes, and went
straight to sleep after watching the game. You
don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch
me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your
BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving
your letter. It's true that you and I have been
married for seven years, although a good woman is
a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so
much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you
cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that
came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My
mother raised me to not say anything if you can't
say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must
have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new
negligee because the price tag was still on it. I
prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
could work it out. So when I discovered that I had
hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got
home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you
always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you
won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my
brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a
problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

wintot great joke hun

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than
Sex!


1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

:lmao: some great jokes guys keep it up

Thanks Hun

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"


It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well sh*t! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fu*k out!". So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!" So the boss says, to him, "Get the fu*k out!" As the second guy leaves he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it." So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?" So the guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well sh*t, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

:haha great joesk oops

Thanks hun

Three Mice ...

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The 1st mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The 2nd mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz for the rest of the day." The 1st mouse & the 2nd mouse then turn to the 3rd mouse. The 3rd mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bulls***. I gotta go home and f**k the cat."

nice jokes .... when ever I'm feeling down or sad .. all I gotta do is pop up in here ... thanx for making my life in laughter

Storm

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that s***". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.



One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

oopsie .. nice two

a quick joke ...

two ppl are chatting ... " so how is it hanging " ... "well ... it is hanging to the left"

........................................

a man tells a girl " is your trunk big enough to park my bike in it " ......... she said "it is kinda small " .... then he said " I think we are gonna make some room in it" ...... so they get into the man's car driving to the apartment ... the girly suddenly says " but my trunk got alot of junk" ...... the car crashed ...

Great jokes hun

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his <swearword snipped>in' a s s."

this one is great ... ... we want more

Ok hun

Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"


Three people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.

Great Jokes Guys!!

Hi hun missed you


At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

... realy lol ... thanks oopsie

Good joke oops!

What Makes Life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bulls*** will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

The workers talk about football in the afternoon,
The officers talk about cricket in the afternoon,
The managers talk about billiards in the afternoon,
and the directors talk about golf in the afternoon,
that means and proves that higher you go smaller your balls are!!

srajax

Thanks Storm!

__

Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.

Great jokes srajax


A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled but brought him the beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, one more beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top! "You basta*d! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*s down, don't even say 'hello' to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "Oh sh*t, it's started."

Oops! Ha! Ha!

__

Software Condoms

When the Software industry had badly gone down, three giants Sun, SCO(UNIX) and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condo, CondomiX and MS-Condom respectively.

A customer using Java-condo complained to Sun that the condom doesn't fit correctly.

Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard". They boasted that it will fit to any size irrespective of underlying structure.

Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he finishes reading the instructions, given along with CondomiX, his wife was sleeping and he himself forgetting why he is using CondomiX.

Finally he switched to MS-Condom.

To his surprise it was so good........and comfortable!. He used it happily.

Six months later he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft.

Microsoft’s reply: A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!

What they really Mean!

PCMCIA:- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI: System Can't See It

DOS: Defective Operating System

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code

Types Of Women

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

Great jokes srajax....ROFLMAO

...


..


.


.



.

WHAT?!!

I was just kidding

i think

I was woundering for some time now what does "ROFLMAO" means ?

...........................
anyway ...

a teenage couple sitting in school chatting in the class so the teacher asks the girl a question .. "what is the name of the whale in Herman Melville story" .. so the boys whisper the answer to the girl " moby <swearword snipped> " .. the girl whispered to him back " not now god damn it" ....

superman was flying high in the sky looking down over the city when he spotted wonderwoman sun baking naked on top of a tall building,he got an idea and at the speed of light flew down had his way with her and quickly flew off,wonderwoman wondering what had happend sat up and said "what was that",the invisable man said "i dont know but my a$$ is sore"

great jokes

fantastic made my evening

Voodoo dildo Joke
A business mans company tell him that he will have to take a long business trip to japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still but everytime she does it it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done less and less. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a sex shop to get her something to keep her amused.
On his way home he goes to a little sex shop. He looks around for a bit but doesnt really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over.
"Your looking for something special?"
"Yes, i need something to keep my wife busy while im away so she wont cheat"
The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.
"Whats so special about that?" asks the man
"Watch... Voodoo dildo door"
To the mans suprise the dildo rises from the box and starts fuc*ing the keyhole of the door.
"Voodoo dildo box"
The dildo stops and drops back into its box.
"Thats amazing i'll take it"
After paying for it he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.
After a week she feels then need for a sh*g but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo.
"Voodoo dildo my p****"
The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to sh*g her brains out.
A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the sexual exstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm numer eleven she cant think straight. she trys to pull it out to stop it but it doesnt work, so she deciedes that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed.
In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see's this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.
"Have you been drinking?"
"No" The now destrought woman replys
"A voodoo dildo is sha**ing me and i cant get it to stop im on my way to hospital to have it removed"
"Voodoo dildo" the officer laughs "My a*se"

great joke unluky officer

Yeah. great joke oops.

Thanks guys

Vodoo dildo was great

Thanks babe

Poor Daddy
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."


A little pis*ed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he
goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

great joke

Thanks Playas

In the butcher's shop
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

@oops: great jokes luv. btw, i just realised your rank.