I can't wait to start theming for it.. but don't worry EchoZulu.. i will be getting a W850 in a few months so just buy one of those

I would love to! Let's make a deal... You buy me a house somewhere where I don't need GSM 850 and I'll buy a W850 for each of us!

(stupid Cingular US and their 850 MHz... )

Sorry i didn't know

It's ok Maybe some day SE will think of us poor USers and release a quad band version!

I luv it when you're excited bebe

Costume Party
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to
wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a
bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found
the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the
host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just
came in my pants!"

None For You
spacer

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman
sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar.
Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age.
Where did you go to high school?"

"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?"

"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"

"Beloit, in Wisconsin."

"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"

"Kevin Sullivan dorm."

"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says,
"Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same
high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college.
We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"

Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."

A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?" Joe says,
"Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

great jokes guys

Highland Hospitality

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."

great jokes jefdizon Oops

Thanks hun

Communication breakdown

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year -old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you ba$tard$ who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you ba$tard$ who are getting on, get your a$$ in the train, cause we're going down
the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are pi$$ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

great jokes guys

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.”

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?”

On a recent trans-atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Lebanese man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is very handsom,tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt

......... One button at a time.

.........No one moves.

......... Everyone is transfixed.

.........He removes his shirt.

.........Muscles ripple across his chest.

........She gasps...

.........He whispers.......................................

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

A dwarf walked into a bar and stood next to this beautiful blonde.He looked up into her gorgeous blue eyes and said "Can I smell your fanny?"
"certainly not!!" said the blonde.
"Well, it must be your feet then"said the dwarf.

Elo!! A zarzuce teraz językiem to wam galoty pospadaJą <LOL2> Co powiecie ciekwego?? nauczyć was kląć po Polskiemu??? Tea who you yeah bunny

Thanks i think

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his a**."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh*t outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Little Cat

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the p****!



There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.

So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. "But," he said to the salesperson, "I would like my car personalized. Would it be
possible to have the "Z" replaced with an "S"?" The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see, "Wow, look at that S-car-go."

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What
days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Third, what is God's first
name?"

Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!" "Twelve!" "Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts Saint
Peter. "I see where you're going with it." "And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind." "I'll
give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name." "Everbody probly knows it." "It's Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Howard be thy name..."

Here Is One For The Admins

Official Forum Flame
===================================
Dear:
[x] Clueless Newbie
[x] Loser
[ ] Spammer
[x] 12 year old
[ ] Pervert
[ ] Nerd
[ ] l337 d00d/"vet"
[ ] Other: illegal immigrant

You Are Being Flamed Because
[ ] You posted a Nudity thread (anime or normal).
[ ] You whine like a B i t c h.
[ ] You bumped a thread from the last page.
[ ] You started an off-topic thread.
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message .
[ ] You don't know which forum to post in.
[ ] You posted false information (or lack thereof).
[x] You posted something totally uninteresting.
[ ] You doubleposted.
[ ] You posted a message all written in CAPS (oR aLtErNaTe CaPs).
[ ] You posted a X > Y thread. LAME.
[x] I don't like your tone of voice.

To Repent, You Must:
[x] Give up your AOL Internet account
[x] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[x] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Be my love slave
[x] Apologize to everybody on this forum
[ ] Go stand in the middle of an intersection

In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[x] I pity your dog
[x] I think your IQ must be 6
[x] Take your crap somewhere else
[ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ] Go play Dress-Up Barbie Online™
[ ] All of the above

That could come in handy!!

I thought so

lol love the admin tips

Thanks hun

Here is one for the boys

And Another

lmao love the gifs

Thanks shoutout.. you might not like this one it's a stinky story how embarrassing would this be

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap an fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lmao nice one

here you go Oops a photo of a irish cow

ROFLAMO Her bra must be huge to hold those udders

I'm not milking that

Why not babe?

I'd rather milk you!!

I would udder have you milk me than anyone else

MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, AND SEES A JAR OF MONEY ON THE COUNTER.HE SAYS TO THE KEEP, "MAN THATS ALOT OF TIPS."
KEEP TELLS HIM ,"THAT ISN'T TIPS, IF YOU PUT FIVE DOLARS INTO THAT JAR AND DO THREE ERRANDS, YOU CAN WIN THE MONEY EVERYONE ELSE TRYING TO WIN IT."
THE GUY ASKS WHAT ARE THE THREE THINGS.
KEEP TELLS HIM, POINTING TO THE GIANT SITTING AT THE END OF THE BAR,"YOU SEE THAT GUY? YOU GOTTA LAND HIM ON THE FLOOR WITH ONE PUNCH, AND DO YOU HEAR THAT DOG SCREAMING OUT FRONT? YOU GOTTA PULL THE INFECTED TOOTH THAT IS CAUSING HIM TO HOWL LIKE THAT."
THE GUY THINKS THIS OVER AND ASKS, "WHAT'S THE THIRD THING?"
KEEP TELLS HIM, "YOU GOTTA MAKE THAT EIGHTY NINE YEAR OLD HOOKER UPSTAIRS REAL HAPPY.
THE GUY SAYS, "I AIN'T DOIN' NO GRANNY HOOKER MAN."
KEEP SAYS, "O.K. YOU CAN THINK IT OVER IF YOU LIKE." AND PLACES THE PLIERS HE NEEDS FOR THE DOG ON THE BAR.
THE GUY SITS AND AFTER THREE BEERS, THE GIANT AT THE END OF THE BAR STARTS SEEMING MANAGEABLE TO HIM.
HE SITS THROUGH FOUR MORE BEERS, AND STARTS TO FEEL CONFIDENT ABOUT THE DOG AND HOOKER.
HE PUTS DOWN FIVE MORE BEERS AND WITHOU SAYING ANYTHING, PICKS UP THE PLIERS AND WALKS TO THE END OF THE BAR.
HE PUNCHES THE GIANT WITH HIS FREE HAND AND THE GIANT GUY FALLS DEAD COLD ONTO THE BARROOM FLOOR.

HE SHRUGS AND STRAIGHTENS HIS SHOULDERS AND HIS CONFIDENCE BUILDS AS HE TURNS TOWARD THE DOOR TO THE DOG OUTSIDE.
AT FIRST THERE IS TOTAL SILENCE AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN THE BAR CAN HEAR THE POOR DOG NOT ONLY HOWLING FROM PAIN ANYMORE BUT ACTUALLY SCREAMING AND WHINING AT THE SAME TIME.
SUDDENLY THERE IS SILENCE.
THE GUY STAGGERS TO THE DOOR AND SAYS TO THE KEEP, " O.K. WHERE IS THAT WHORE WITH THE BAD TOOTH?"

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter "PENIS".

Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response:







PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

lmao good one

Thanks shoutout

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why vould you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..."

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...

Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you...

Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again..."

"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And you were 97 votes short...."

never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”
I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either… but at least that b!tch knows I’m smarter than her.

That last one was jokes ainieas :d

ainieas great joke


You Must Be a Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands. The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'
Flabbergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing how did you figure that out ?'
The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands'
One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate.
After they were done, the girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!'
The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'
The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing'

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my a s s!"

Deep Questions :

1****** Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know
the batteries are flat?

2****** Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when
they know there is not enough?

3****** Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4****** Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5****** Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6****** Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7****** Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8****** Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9****** Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10***** What is the speed of darkness?

11***** Are there specially reserved parking spaces for
non-disabled people at The Special Olympics?

12***** If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13***** If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going
to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14***** If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15***** If it's true that we are here to help others, what are
the others doing here?

16***** Do married people live longer than single ones or does
it only seem longer?

17***** If someone with a split personality threatens to commit
suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18***** Can you cry under water?
19****** What level of importance must a person have, before
they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20***** If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have
branches?

21***** Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22***** How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured
out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

23***** Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
wake up, like, every two hours?

24***** If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called
a hearing?

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3:A M and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.

I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"