great jokes

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price.

The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28".

Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250"
The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive.

The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

10 Dog Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny ... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

Love the dog one shout, Very funny .. it's being emailed out to everyone i know. Thanks

Great jokes

PA WON'T LIKE IT!

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road.

A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look

and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell-- its late,

come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that, "Willie replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer.

"I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon"

lol zombieking like the dog one my self bread german sheperd my self and train them for the army lol not as hard as it sound only do it to the 10 weeks old lmao

@ great joke oops

Working with puppies.. that must be great

would love to work with your puppies

Darling you can work all you want with my puppies... but i thought it was my p u s s y you liked

I do like to play with your pu$$y too, stroking it etc..

Well if you're going to work on my puppies.. you had better give them a lot of treats

Q.)What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A.)Blowjob: you can beat your meat, eggs or wife but you can't beat a blowjob.


Q.)Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

Q.)So men can be open minded.


Q.)What's the speed limit of sex?

A.)68 because at 69 you have to turn around.


Q.)What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A.)The longer you play with them, the harder they get.


Q.)What's the difference between your pay cheque and your d!ck?

A.)you don't have to beg your wife to blow your pay cheque.


Q.)Three words to ruin a man's ego...

A.)"Is it in?"


Q.)What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury dough boy?

A.)A red headed b!tch with a yeast infection.


Q.)How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

A.)One of his fingers is clean.


Q.)What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A.)Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a Goodyear.


Q.)What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common.

A.)They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, your screwed.

Help the Aged

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the stupid jar open!"

great joke oops

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Back at ya

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker / postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED "

Joke Of The Day: July 31, 2005

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Great jokes everyone.

__

Top 10 Women drivers
(visual joke)

Top 10 Women drivers - contd.

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

more jokes on www.funny.com

Here's another from funny.com

The voodoo dildo

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dildo

"So what's up with this voodoo dildo?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big f*u*ki*g deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dildo, the door." The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dildo get back in your box!" The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dildo, my p*s*y." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dildo, my p*s*y!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman . He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo was stuck in her p*s*y, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo , my a*k!"

A husband had just finished reading a new book,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on,
YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we
will have the sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f****** funeral director would be my guess."

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.



2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.



5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that...
is the beginning of a new argument.



6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.



8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.



10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and
pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does
it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I
don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close
properly."

To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like
I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't
think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to
the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the
steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and
Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He
continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your Bickering.
I'm going to the bar!"

So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about
his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and
help out with the chores.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been
repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall
light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to
get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has
been fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and
cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong,
and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I
had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.

"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty
Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I
chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the
top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell
them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72,
died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the
enormous smile."

"Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the
lottery,spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,
hence the smile.

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny
Earl, the Redneck from Arkansas, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a
Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in
their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The
Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins
drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its
wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

great jokes

Great jokes

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops
for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my
16.4?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't e," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh

Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Stick of Dynamite
spacer

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

These two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who's there?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of
the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door."Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these
blinds?"

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

Great jokes and pics

The Old Lady

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her
company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of
the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by
the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her


He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME WITH. YOU WON'T EVER
BE SORRY."


The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she
bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.!


As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND
YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

So the old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome
prince.


THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.



SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.



NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?



COME ON GUESS!







OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DON'T BE A POOP!



*

*

*

*

*

SHE TURNED INTO THE

FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

SHE'S OLD NOT DEAD

lmao i was think a frog

so did i when i first read it

Three black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties on this flight."
"Why you gonna wear that?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field, they will find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm gonna wear me some Fluorescent orange panties." Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean,they can see me first."
The third lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties at all."
"What, no panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"thats right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any panties, cause if the plane goes down, the first thing they always looks for is da black box.

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question ncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

great outfit Oops have you be shoping



Just Plain Lame: Just plain lame pickup lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
5. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
6. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
7. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!
8.Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.
9.Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you
10.Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
11.Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
12.Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.






"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.





"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "






As he did this, the tension continued to mount.









She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

that pic is smoking HOT

i have a pickup line for your list Shoutout

"seeing that youve lost your virginaty can i play with the box it came in?"

A Pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning against the wall.
He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with the guy leaning on the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds, "Well he came in here this morning to get something for his bad cough, I couldn't find the cough syrup so I gave him a full bottle of laxatives"
The pharmacist yells,"You idiot, you can't treat a cough with laxatives"
The blonde clerk responds "Of course you can, look at him, he's too afraid to cough"

(cantremember what jokes have allready told so i may repeat 1 or 2 but you get that when your too lazy to go through them all)

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,Standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember,about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

New version of the birds and the bee's


A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


You got Male!

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale"
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals.Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten quid" said the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a f*#ing liar. He's never done any of that stuff".

Great jokes guys

@shoutout, i have been shopping i just got my W810 i'm a little excited

nice one Oops new toy for you to play with will that be new themes come soon

Of course! I get rid of my W810 and now Oops is gonna start making sweet themes for it...