It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

LMAO


Doris & Fred

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby Manchester studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.

"There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked p u s s y. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris " but anyway you've seen my p u s s y millions of times?"

"Yes" says Fred "I have....but the rest of the fuc*ing darts team haven't."

good one oops

Thanks hun

a bit of a sick joke but i think he would have found it funny him self

There was a guy who worked at a dildo store, and it was his first day on the job. At about 12, the boss wanted to go out for lunch, so he said to the new guy, "I'm going out for lunch. I'm going to review the prices with you so that you won't make a bad sale. Now this is our 9-inch white dildo. It's fifteen dollars."

The new guy says, "Nine inch white, 15 bucks. Got it."

"This is the 11-inch black dildo. It's 25 dollars."

"Eleven inch black, 25 bucks. Got it." So the boss leaves.

A few minutes later, a very elegantly dressed woman walks in. "How much is that dildo there?" she asks the guy.

"Ah, that's our nine inch white dildo, and it sells for 15 dollars."

"What about that black one there?"

"That's our eleven inch black, it goes for about 25 dollars."

"And how much for the plaid one over there?"

"Oh, that's the 12 inch plaid dildo. It's...50 dollars."

The woman looks at the selection again, and decides to buy the plaid. The guy wraps it for her, and she leaves.

A few minutes later, the boss comes back from lunch. "How'd you do?" he asks the guy.

"Oh, great! I got fifty bucks for my thermos!"

great jokes

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin.
Is there anything you can do to help me?"

After the doctor stops laughing he says, " Medically, no, but here's
something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for
bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your
husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity
snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall
for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife
gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg,
finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to
progress and as her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band. The
hubby asks:

"What the hell was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity
snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

It pays to advertise

A widow put an ad in the paper. It read:

Wanted: A man who won't beat on me, won't run out on me, and can make me scream in bed.

A few days after she ran the ad, her doorbell rang.

She opened the door to find a man in a wheelchair.

"May I help you?" the woman asked.

"I am here in response to the ad in the paper. You said you wanted a man who wouldn't beat on you. I can't, I don't have any arms. You said you wanted a man who wouldn't run out on you. I don't have any legs, so I can't."

"Yes...," interrupted the woman, "but if you had read the ad further, I also said I wanted a man to make me scream in bed."

"I know." he replied. "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Five reasons computers must be female

5.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3.The native language used to communicate with the other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2.The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don t know why I m mad at you, then I m certainly not going to tell you".
1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

great jokes

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a
tray, because you are dead! Always wear clean underwear in public,
especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
Down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned
private parts into glari ngly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up
His shorts, and tucked everything back out of site.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had
to have three stitches in his forehead.

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of
it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't
have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to
one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons.
Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names,
and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending:$65.00 on make-up,$150 for a cut & color, $30
for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure,$50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and $600
for a gym membership.I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.She
said she needed it to look pretty for me.I told her that was what the beer
was for! I don't think she's coming back

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this
is true.



There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every
year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.


Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

Reasons Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
It leads to more honest communications.
It reduces complaints about low pay.
It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to
hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language

great jokes hun

The Big Leap

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State
Building drinking when the first man turns to the other one and says,
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of
this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind
around the building is so intense that it carries you around the
building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the
bar, but says nothing. The second guy says, "What? Are you insane?
There's no way in heck that could happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you." He
gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes
the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is
astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a
one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again,
just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes
the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges
his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it
works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony -
plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors
...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time
turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says, "You know,
Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

great jokes zombieking

Thanks Oops and shout... Gotta share the funnies.

And i'm glad that you do

lmao oops good one

Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum!

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. "Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier."

"Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a.. What do you call male ballerinas?

a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your a**?

a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in
Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

Great jokes hun

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
at him and asks the questio n.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "SH1T!."

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f*cking Chihuahua?!"

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my frickin carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh frickin key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy sh1t ----- My frickin girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.


ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her
that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely
have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it?

The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called
Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give
him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to
tell her what happens

The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the
therapist the Viagra worked, and she and her husband had the
best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if
she gave her husband two pills? The therapist replies she
doesn't know but says to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in
telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the
night before. She asks the therapist what would happen if
she gave him five pills? The therapist once again tells her
to give it a try.

The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY,
tells the therapist the sex just keeps getting better and
better. She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest
of the bottle? The therapists tells her its a new drug and
she doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a person.
The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills
in her husband's morning coffee.

A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and
asks: are you the "idiot" who gave my MOTHER a bottle of
Viagra? Why yes young man I did, Why?

Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, The neighbour's
husband has a gun and Dad just sits in the corner going,
"Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..."

Housing Benefit

Apparently true letters to Islington Council's Housing Department:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
9. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
10. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his c o c k wakes me up and it's getting too much.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.
16. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

Another use for Duct Tape.


[attachmentid=14388]

great jokes oops & zombieking

So that's what they use that tape for

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.

Here is the note the young man sent to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they looked really smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don’t shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.


All my Love.

P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

I love that joke



A king travels through the desert and discovers a man trapped under a big rock. He throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, grateful as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "It's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens.

Next the king says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal.", the sorcerer replies "It's done". The king, happy as can be, thrusts his sword into his horse and nothing happens.

Finally the king says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "It's done".

The king, overjoyed, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle. At the drawbridge he meets his old friend Peter, jumps off the horse and declares that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal. Keeping the best for last he says "Wait - just look at this" and the king drops his trousers.

Peter looks at the naked king and cries out loud "Well fu*k my boots - that's the biggest p u s s y I've ever seen..."

lmao good one oops

this is very old but also very cool so ill throw it up anyway


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

That looks like some of my posts


The barber shop
HAIRCUT
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers
and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the
door and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said,
"About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop
and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About
an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill,
do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a
haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop,
laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he
leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your
house."

funny barber joke

Thanks babe

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

Thats last one was good zombieking, keep em up,
"Oops":P, not forgetting you, your jokes crack me up

Oz.. you're back great to see you back in the jokes

Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.....Are - my - test - results - back?

Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed. "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared a each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral:

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men.....are men.