heres another one,i cant remember the rest and even if i could they are a bit rude to be here
Jack be nimble Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his f@#$n D!$%
Full Version: Jokes- Part 2!
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37
Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !
- Oh no! I just lost my watch.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-You sure it wasn't this leg?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Are his relatives waiting outside?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- This scissor looks rusted.
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
- Now from where did this spider come in from.
By Zazima
ps. i hope you like them
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !
- Oh no! I just lost my watch.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again...
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
-You sure it wasn't this leg?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Are his relatives waiting outside?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- This scissor looks rusted.
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
- Now from where did this spider come in from.
By Zazima
ps. i hope you like them
So many great jokes 
Little Old Lady Making Bets
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"
The Paper Boy
A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy,buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.
"Hi Missus I've come for the paper money, it's 5 pounds please." says our boy, with his hand held out.
"I'm afraid I've no money in the house," the woman replies in a breathy voice, "but if you come in I'm sure I can think of something..."
So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning "You can have ME instead..."
The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a di*k that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.
"What are they for?" asks the woman.
"Oh, they're just to make sure I don't go all the way in when I sh*g you." replies the boy.
"To hell with them! implores the woman, "I'll take all of you!"
not for 5...fuc*ing quid you wont!" our lad replies
A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers. One door is opened by a fairly sexy,buxom woman, who is wearing a transparent lace negligee.
"Hi Missus I've come for the paper money, it's 5 pounds please." says our boy, with his hand held out.
"I'm afraid I've no money in the house," the woman replies in a breathy voice, "but if you come in I'm sure I can think of something..."
So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug, pulling off the negligee, moaning "You can have ME instead..."
The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a di*k that would be more in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.
"What are they for?" asks the woman.
"Oh, they're just to make sure I don't go all the way in when I sh*g you." replies the boy.
"To hell with them! implores the woman, "I'll take all of you!"
not for 5...fuc*ing quid you wont!" our lad replies
BEWARE OF WOMEN!!!
Subject: Women are smarter than men
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police
Subject: Women are smarter than men
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police
Sorry About That!
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?
The five stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 - Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.
Stage 2 - Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.
Stage 3 - Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.
Stage 4 - Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.
Stage 5 - Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.
Stage 1 - Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.
Stage 2 - Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.
Stage 3 - Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.
Stage 4 - Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.
Stage 5 - Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.
Warning for Beer Drinkers
New warnings for beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
New warnings for beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
great joeks lovesd the wine drinkig after a car crash joke classic 
I agree with Playas Beer Drinkers Lament
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore.
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace.
I only hope that you're big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace.
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Before your fat and naked body makes me bend over and heave.
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that fuc*ing evil drink that we call beer.
You can Sod your beer goggles, s*** I must have been blind,
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared.
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her?
With ti*s that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water.
It's time to go, run out the door.
She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor.
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-lics curse.
great joke Oopsession
Thanks hun 
nice one oops
Thans hun 
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't b i t c h to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all <swearword snipped>y every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my di*k.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't b i t c h to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all <swearword snipped>y every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my di*k.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."
"I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."
19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
Great jokes 
i dont know what happend but i came here to find an app for my phone and got stuck in the jokes section ???
I'm glad you got stuck here you tell such great jokes
thanks Oops 
Hard times
A young couple not long married find themselves falling deeper and deeper in debt. After many agonising days and nights they agree that the wife should go on the game to help make ends meet.
"What should I do" asks the wife."I dunno ,just put on something sexy and hang around by the gate" says hubby.
After a very short time a punter pulls up and enquires after the price of a sh*g. She informs him she is new to the game and doesn't know how much a sh*g is but she will find out. She rushes inside and says that there is a fellow outside who wants to know how much a sh*g is. "60 quid" says hubby.
She rushes back to the punter conveying the price to him. He tells her that he only has ?40 and what can he have for that. She tells him that she will find out. "A blow job" says hubby and back she goes.
The punter is happy and they settle into the car to commence business but wifey connot contain her absolute delight as the fellow whops out the biggest di*k she has ever layed eyes on.
"Hang on" she tells him a runs in "Darling" she says to hubby "do you think we can lend him ?20 quid?....."
A young couple not long married find themselves falling deeper and deeper in debt. After many agonising days and nights they agree that the wife should go on the game to help make ends meet.
"What should I do" asks the wife."I dunno ,just put on something sexy and hang around by the gate" says hubby.
After a very short time a punter pulls up and enquires after the price of a sh*g. She informs him she is new to the game and doesn't know how much a sh*g is but she will find out. She rushes inside and says that there is a fellow outside who wants to know how much a sh*g is. "60 quid" says hubby.
She rushes back to the punter conveying the price to him. He tells her that he only has ?40 and what can he have for that. She tells him that she will find out. "A blow job" says hubby and back she goes.
The punter is happy and they settle into the car to commence business but wifey connot contain her absolute delight as the fellow whops out the biggest di*k she has ever layed eyes on.
"Hang on" she tells him a runs in "Darling" she says to hubby "do you think we can lend him ?20 quid?....."
great jokes everyone.
Thanks PB
great jokes e1
LOST PUPPY !!!!!
My neighbor has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him!.
She does a lot of traveling and always brings her dog with her.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and called out for her puppy with no response. The back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
See attached picture .....
The doctors bee-in-fanny remedy
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her fanny.
The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my p u s s y!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow it out."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, slipped it into young lady. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed
The young lady began to quiver with excitemet, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"
Great Joke Everyone
Ole goes into a store and asks for some "Lutefisk." The
clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Norwegian?"
Ole, clearly offended and angry, says, "Well, yes I am. But
let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian
Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked
for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or
if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I
was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me
if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me
if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me
if I was Canadian?
"Well, I probably wouldn't.
Why did you ask me if I Norwegian just because I saked for
Lutefisk?
The clerk replied, "Because you're at Home Depot."
Ole goes into a store and asks for some "Lutefisk." The
clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Norwegian?"
Ole, clearly offended and angry, says, "Well, yes I am. But
let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian
Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked
for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or
if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I
was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me
if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well no."
And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me
if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me
if I was Canadian?
"Well, I probably wouldn't.
Why did you ask me if I Norwegian just because I saked for
Lutefisk?
The clerk replied, "Because you're at Home Depot."
Flying
From the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Page: 155663, Section: 5f Entry: FLYING
There is an art, or rather a knack to flying.
The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the
ground and miss.
Pick a nice day, and try it.
The first part is easy.
All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself
forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to
mind that it's going to hurt.
That is, it's going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground.
Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really
trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to
miss it fairly hard.
Clearly, it's the second point, the missing, which presents
the difficulties.
One problem is that you have to miss the ground
accidentally. It's no good deliberately intending to miss
the ground because you won't. You have to have your
attention suddenly distracted by something else when you're
halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about
falling, or about the ground, or about how much it's going
to hurt if you fail to miss it.
It is notoriously difficult to prise your attention away
from these three things during the split second you have at
your disposal. Hence most people's failure, and their
eventual disillusionment with this exhilarating and
spectacular sport.
If, however, you are lucky enough to have your attention
momentarily distracted at the crucial moment by, say, a
gorgeous pair of legs (tentacles, pseudopodia, according to
phylum and/or personal inclination) or a bomb going off in
your vicinity, or by suddenly spotting an extremely rare
species of beetle crawling along a nearby twig, then in your
astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain
bobbing just a few inches above it in what might seem to be
a slightly foolish manner.
This is a moment for superb and delicate concentration.
Bob and float, float and bob.
Ignore all considerations of your own weight and simply let
yourself waft higher.
Do not listen to what anybody says to you at this point
because they are unlikely to say anything helpful.
They are most likely to say something along the lines of,
"Good God, you can't possibly be flying!"
It is vitally important not to believe them or they will
suddenly be right.
Waft higher and higher.
Try a few swoops, gentle ones at first, then drift above the
treetops breathing regularly.
Do not wave at anybody.
When you have done this a few times you will find the moment
of distraction rapidly becomes easier and easier to
achieve.
You will then learn all sorts of things about how to control
your flight, your speed, your maneuverabailty, and the
trick usually lies in not thinking too hard about whatever
you want to do, but just allowing it to happen as if it was
going to anyway.
You will also learn how to land properly, which is something
you will almost certainly <swearword snipped> up, and <swearword snipped> up badly, on
your first attempt.
There are private flying clubs you can join which help you
achieve the all-important moment of distraction. They hire
people with surprising bodies or opinions to leap out from
behind bushes and exhibit and/or explain them at the crucial
moments. Few genuine hitch-hikers will be able to afford to
join these clubs, but some may be able to get temporary
employment at them.
From the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Page: 155663, Section: 5f Entry: FLYING
There is an art, or rather a knack to flying.
The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the
ground and miss.
Pick a nice day, and try it.
The first part is easy.
All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself
forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to
mind that it's going to hurt.
That is, it's going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground.
Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really
trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to
miss it fairly hard.
Clearly, it's the second point, the missing, which presents
the difficulties.
One problem is that you have to miss the ground
accidentally. It's no good deliberately intending to miss
the ground because you won't. You have to have your
attention suddenly distracted by something else when you're
halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about
falling, or about the ground, or about how much it's going
to hurt if you fail to miss it.
It is notoriously difficult to prise your attention away
from these three things during the split second you have at
your disposal. Hence most people's failure, and their
eventual disillusionment with this exhilarating and
spectacular sport.
If, however, you are lucky enough to have your attention
momentarily distracted at the crucial moment by, say, a
gorgeous pair of legs (tentacles, pseudopodia, according to
phylum and/or personal inclination) or a bomb going off in
your vicinity, or by suddenly spotting an extremely rare
species of beetle crawling along a nearby twig, then in your
astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain
bobbing just a few inches above it in what might seem to be
a slightly foolish manner.
This is a moment for superb and delicate concentration.
Bob and float, float and bob.
Ignore all considerations of your own weight and simply let
yourself waft higher.
Do not listen to what anybody says to you at this point
because they are unlikely to say anything helpful.
They are most likely to say something along the lines of,
"Good God, you can't possibly be flying!"
It is vitally important not to believe them or they will
suddenly be right.
Waft higher and higher.
Try a few swoops, gentle ones at first, then drift above the
treetops breathing regularly.
Do not wave at anybody.
When you have done this a few times you will find the moment
of distraction rapidly becomes easier and easier to
achieve.
You will then learn all sorts of things about how to control
your flight, your speed, your maneuverabailty, and the
trick usually lies in not thinking too hard about whatever
you want to do, but just allowing it to happen as if it was
going to anyway.
You will also learn how to land properly, which is something
you will almost certainly <swearword snipped> up, and <swearword snipped> up badly, on
your first attempt.
There are private flying clubs you can join which help you
achieve the all-important moment of distraction. They hire
people with surprising bodies or opinions to leap out from
behind bushes and exhibit and/or explain them at the crucial
moments. Few genuine hitch-hikers will be able to afford to
join these clubs, but some may be able to get temporary
employment at them.
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for
his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job,
but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured
getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a
young rooster from the local rooster emporium, and turns him
loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around
and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace
me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about
this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the
new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff,
don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I
challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.
We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first
gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely
thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're
on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great,
I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still
win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the
race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race
begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining
his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has
slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each
time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front
of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into
the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard
figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he
gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen
house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He
immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the
young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . "Damn,
that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job,
but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured
getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a
young rooster from the local rooster emporium, and turns him
loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around
and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace
me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about
this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the
new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff,
don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I
challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.
We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first
gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely
thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're
on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great,
I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still
win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the
race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race
begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining
his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has
slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each
time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front
of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into
the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard
figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he
gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen
house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He
immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the
young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . "Damn,
that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or
medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and
Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million
people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember
what to do with them.
medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and
Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million
people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember
what to do with them.
Great jokes zombieking
Funny Newspaper Classifieds
A Blondes Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels .....Helllloooo!!! ..... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels .....Helllloooo!!! ..... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
different sex positions
x
e
s
xes sex
s
e
x
x
e
s
sex
x
e
s
perverts! you were expecting dirty pictures were'nt you
x
e
s
xes sex
s
e
x
x
e
s
sex
x
e
s
perverts! you were expecting dirty pictures were'nt you
a man was treking through the bush when he came to a river and could go no further.
he looked up and down the stream and couldnt see any way across.
on the other side he spotted a blonde woman,so he called out to her.
"is there a way to cross the river i need to get to the other side"
the blond stood there scratching her head and then replyed
"you are on the other side"
he looked up and down the stream and couldnt see any way across.
on the other side he spotted a blonde woman,so he called out to her.
"is there a way to cross the river i need to get to the other side"
the blond stood there scratching her head and then replyed
"you are on the other side"
I was thought there might some new ones i could try on Adonis 
@All, Great jokes and pics l
thought there might some new ones i could try on Adonis @All, Great jokes and pics l
The creation of the p u s s y ...
Seven wise men with the knowledge so fine,
created a p u s s y to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fuc*ed it and called it a cu*t.
Seven wise men with the knowledge so fine,
created a p u s s y to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fuc*ed it and called it a cu*t.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me
a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The
cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me
a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The
cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
A beautiful, well endowed, young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you.
Allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions,please call the pet store."
So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog,stares directly into its eyes and sternly says :
"Listen to me!I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you.
Allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions,please call the pet store."
So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog,stares directly into its eyes and sternly says :
"Listen to me!I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
answerman
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose tings?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees: replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are deys for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Fook me" says the Irishman. "BMW tinks of everyting"
"Top of the mornin' to yer sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose tings?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees: replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are deys for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Fook me" says the Irishman. "BMW tinks of everyting"
WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
found this on web
September 22, 2006
Man with no eyes who drove car is banned from driving
By Gulliver
A man with no eyes became the first blind person in Britain to be convicted of dangerous driving.
Omed Aziz, 31, who lost his sight when a mine exploded in his homeland of Iraq, was banned from driving for three years by magistrates at Oldbury in the West Midlands.
He became Britain's first sightless person to be given such a punishment.
Aziz, who was also given a three-month suspended prison sentence after police found him behind the wheel of a car, said he did not think it was a dangerous thing for him to do.
The imigrant Kurd told reporters: "It was a Sunday night and I had a friend with me telling me what to do. I had only gone about 200 yards."
He said he had to drive: "It's great to challenge yourself. It was the first time I had driven while blind. I used to drive in Iraq. I would drive into the mountains every Friday."
Shocked police stopped the Peugeot 405 car he was driving after it crossed a while line. They were alarmed to find he had just two fingers on his right hand.
But there were more shocks in store when he was asked to remove his sunglasses.
"He didn't have any eyes, your worships," Police Constable Glyn Austin told the court.
The police officers were told that he was "trying his abilities" under guidence from a passenger friend, who was the subject of a driving ban.
The court heard that Aziz, from Darlaston, West Midlands, drove at a speed of up to 35mph (56km/h) in a built-up area.
Aziz came to Britain with his 29-year-old brother Emad five years ago. He claimed that Iraqi intelligence tried to recruit him to bomb Kurdish buildings in 2000. After refusing he was arrested and throw into jail where hesaid he was beaten and tortured.
During a prison escape a mine exploded in his face while crossing open ground. He lost both eyes and three fingers and also part of his hearing.
September 22, 2006
Man with no eyes who drove car is banned from driving
By Gulliver
A man with no eyes became the first blind person in Britain to be convicted of dangerous driving.
Omed Aziz, 31, who lost his sight when a mine exploded in his homeland of Iraq, was banned from driving for three years by magistrates at Oldbury in the West Midlands.
He became Britain's first sightless person to be given such a punishment.
Aziz, who was also given a three-month suspended prison sentence after police found him behind the wheel of a car, said he did not think it was a dangerous thing for him to do.
The imigrant Kurd told reporters: "It was a Sunday night and I had a friend with me telling me what to do. I had only gone about 200 yards."
He said he had to drive: "It's great to challenge yourself. It was the first time I had driven while blind. I used to drive in Iraq. I would drive into the mountains every Friday."
Shocked police stopped the Peugeot 405 car he was driving after it crossed a while line. They were alarmed to find he had just two fingers on his right hand.
But there were more shocks in store when he was asked to remove his sunglasses.
"He didn't have any eyes, your worships," Police Constable Glyn Austin told the court.
The police officers were told that he was "trying his abilities" under guidence from a passenger friend, who was the subject of a driving ban.
The court heard that Aziz, from Darlaston, West Midlands, drove at a speed of up to 35mph (56km/h) in a built-up area.
Aziz came to Britain with his 29-year-old brother Emad five years ago. He claimed that Iraqi intelligence tried to recruit him to bomb Kurdish buildings in 2000. After refusing he was arrested and throw into jail where hesaid he was beaten and tortured.
During a prison escape a mine exploded in his face while crossing open ground. He lost both eyes and three fingers and also part of his hearing.
great jokes guys
where is the funniest thread in m9 i wonder? 
any thread you're in lights up my day 
FBI Job Opening
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no
matter what the circumstances". Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my
wife". The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job, take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5
minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried,
but I can't kill my wife. The agent said, "You don't have
what it takes, take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow.
This gun is loaded with blanks, she said. "I had to beat
him to death with the chair".
MORAL: Women are evil!!
Don't mess with them!!
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no
matter what the circumstances". Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my
wife". The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job, take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5
minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried,
but I can't kill my wife. The agent said, "You don't have
what it takes, take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and
went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow.
This gun is loaded with blanks, she said. "I had to beat
him to death with the chair".
MORAL: Women are evil!!
Don't mess with them!!
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