Hollywood has gone Snakes on a plane crazy! Here's a few more movies currently being filmed...can't wait

I didn't like Snakes on a plane but i watched Little Man and i thought it was but i will keep an eye out for Sharks on a roller,coster

havent seen Snakes on a plane my self just sound like a bad film

Deaf People Signaling For Sex

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it,
in order:

A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.

After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture
tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they
revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were
held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make
tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also
reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of
people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the
speaker.

When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you
were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.

That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the a** on that Chick!"

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the
same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?























Answer:

Get off the Merry Go Round, you're pissed.

Great jokes guys

great jokes guys love the merry go rund joke

Old Couple Coversation

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!


Flashing Wife

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

World Domains

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Big Boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"? A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she sh * ts on you!"

"How Do I Know?"
=================================================
On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth.

He asked her, “How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?”

“That’s easy,” she replied, “You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors.”

“But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?” he inquired.

“You ask them a riddle,” she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, “Would you please send Tony Blair in.” When Blair arrived, the Queen said, “I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?”

Blair replied, “That’s easy. The child was me.” “Very good,” said the Queen, “You may go, now.”

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in VP Cheney.

He said to him, “I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?”

Cheney replied, “Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?”

“Yes,” said Bush, “I’ll give you four hours to come up with the answer.”

Cheney left and called a staff meeting and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Cheney was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, “Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?”

“That’s easy,” said Powell, “The child was me.” “Oh thank you,” said Cheney, “You may just have saved me my job!”

Cheney went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, “I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!”

“No, you idiot!” shouted Bush, “The child was Tony Blair!”

great joeks guys

great jokes

Bouncing Up and Down

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"she answers.
"Well, who is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

great jokes just what i need today put smile back on my face

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

I'm glad the jokes cheer you up hun your jokes make me smile laugh

smile laugh? smaugh?

Stupid Criminals

# In Tennessee... A man successfully broke into a bank after
hours and stole the bank's video camera, while it was
recording by remote (that is, the videotape recorder was
located somewhere else in the bank, so he didn't get the
videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

# In Louisiana... A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20
bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of
cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. So the
question here is, if someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, was a crime committed?

# In Florida... [Uh, pardon our language] A thief burst into
the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun.
Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F**K-UP!" For a moment, everyone
was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely
lost it and doubled over laughing. The thief ran away and is
still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put
a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this
is a f**k-up!"

# In Arkansas... Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty
badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block thru a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted
the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store
window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught
on videotape.

# In New York... As a female shopper exited a convenience
store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the
car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, Officer... that's her. That's the lady I
stole the purse from."

# In Seattle... When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from
a motor-home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find
an ill man curled up next to a motor-home near spilled
sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the
motor-home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the
vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.

# In Newark... A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and
mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman
taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that
answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted
to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was
arrested.

# In Michigan... The Ann Arbor News crime column reported
that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan
at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned
him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

# In Kentucky... Two men tried to pull the front off of a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the
bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine. With their
bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's
license plate still attached to the bumper.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders 3 pints of
Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes
back to the bar and orders 3 more.

Bartender says, "Y'know, a pint goes flat after I draw it
-- it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, y'see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here
in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink
this way, to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits it's a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: orders 3 pints and drinks them in
turn.

One day, he comes in and orders 2 pints. All the regulars
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for
the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to
intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns
in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's
fine. I've just quit drinking."

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white
wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and
the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around
here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell
is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's
OK boys, he's one of us!"

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to
find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A d1ck."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later
he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his
manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A d1ck". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the
first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real
pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets
her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married
but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and
says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a
d1ck."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a d1ck is ten inches long and black

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some bottom
deodorant.

"Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant," the pharmacist replies,
struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here," the blonde says. "I bought one last month."

Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, "I don't know what you bought
before, so maybe you can bring in the empty container next time."

"Sure," the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow."

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the
pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal
deodorant," the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms."


"No, it is not," the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up
bottom."

will take what ever smaughs i can get

great jokes guys

smile laugh smaugh...i think oopsie has been the joke today

as long as you fullfilled what this thread is all about!!

Does that mean you have to fullfill what your thread is all about!! because your thread has a lot going on

I shall fullfill all that needs fullfilling, it's my duty as a man, er I mean themer..

And you do babe so well


The perfect couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)





























Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.





































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.



By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

jokes

Glad you enjoy them hun

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 Litres of low fat milk
6eggs
2 litres of orange juice
A lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes
a 500g jar of coffee
a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk was standing behind her watching. While the till operator was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly said "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about them that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're fuc*ing ugly."

ben and sam go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill both with $2.50

Jill came down with $5

Just goes to show..girls have a much better head for money

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early
retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his
full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check
for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched
hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked
where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to
the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd
better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he
did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's
penis and began to work back.
"My God!", he said, "where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "back in Vietnam!"

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing
terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been
married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the
kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that
after all the years you've been married, you still call your
wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot
her name about ten years ago."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly
dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her
and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye
and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere,
your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it
ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."

He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you
with?"

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina,
having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the
"Fourth of July."

He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could
go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he
had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the
obstetrician.

Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow
named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went
over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no
pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he
jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his
friend, and nearly fell in.

Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that
O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock
side of the Fourth.