HEIGHT OF BAD PRONUNCIATION:

A BRIDE ON HER WEEDING NIGHT
TOLD HER GROOM....






YOU ARE THE MOST ImPoTeNt MaN IN MY LIFE...

how can U FACE Ur problem

if

Ur problem is Ur FACE

Hi, guys! There is a boy from my class that is realy stupid. Once the teacher was asking him about the ozone hole (he doesn't even know what that is... he is 17 years old) and that's whathe said:
Teacher: How big is the ozone hole?
He: Five times bigger than Germany! (tries to look intelligent)
Teacher: (smirks) And how do we get rid of it?
He: We fill it with asphalt!
(sweatdrop)

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,`` I`d like to make a bet with you.`` The bartender replies, ``Sure I`m in a betting mood.`` So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ``I`ll take that bet.`` So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn`t even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place. In the bartender`s face, all over the barstools and everything. After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ``You owe me $1,000.`` The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ``How come you`re so happy?`` The man replied, ``You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you`d laugh about it.``

My wife and I are inseparable.

The other night it took six policemen and two dogs to pull us apart

I went out on the piss last night and pulled a georgeous bird.

We made love several times before falling asleep in each others arms.

When I woke up though I had the shock of my life.

She'd put on 60 pounds during the night.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, `Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don`t know where I am.`

The woman below replied, `You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.`

`You must be an engineer,` said the balloonist.
`I am,` replied the woman. `How did you know?`

`Well,` answered the balloonist, `everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you`ve not been much help so far.`

The woman below responded, `You must be in management.`

funny jokes

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Unknown No.1
Hi,Do u have a boyfriend?
Girl:Yes.Who are you?

It's your dad, be home this weekend, and we will talk!

Unknown No.2
Hi do you have a boyfriend?
Girl:Not a chance,who are you anyway?

It's your bf,sucks to know that you are not proud to be with me and be your bf:(
Girl:Sorry babe,I thought u r my dad, he texted me a while back asking the same question

Yes,it's me, your dad.We'll have a long talk this weekend!

nice joke

This pill allows you to fly
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

:D

5 Love Facts
1-If it's because of her eyes or her lips or her great body.
-It's not love, it's a LUST

2-If it's because of her intelligence or insight about life.
-it's not love, it's and admiration

3-If it's because she cries everytime u try to leave.
-it's not love, it's PITY.

4-If it's because she makes u forget 2 study and sleep.
-it's not love, it's infatuation.

5-Love - is when you don't know why you seem to be attracted to dat person..

(Love has its reason, and that reason is unknown!)

A line written on a Husband's T shirt :
ALL GIRLS ARE DEVIL BUT MY WIFE IS QUEEN..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OF THEM..:-P

Teacher: define Love & explain in detail?

Student:
A serious disorder of heart due to relationship btween boys & girls that can cause death of one or both depending on the resistance associated

Types:
One sided &
two sided

Age:
Usually occurs in Teenage but now a days can be found in any age

Symptoms:
Tension
Daydreaming
Phone addiction

Diagnosis By:
Diary
Photos
Mobile

TREATMENT:
ANTI-LOVE Therapy by Father/Mother’s Footwear:)

When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer.

Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old

Arguing with your Boss is Like Wrestling
With a Donkey in the Mud.
After some Time
You Will Realize that
You are Getting Dirty and the Donkey is Enjoying it…!

there was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said "doctor I have a fever" the doctor said "you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine" the sick one said " but doctor, i only have 3 spoons what shall i do?"

An elderly couple was in church. The man had worked late that night, so he fell asleep in church. The preacher asked:

"Who is the son of God?"

The woman poked her husband with a pin. He jumped out of his seat and yelled: "

JESUS!!!"

Then he fell back asleep. Later the preacher asked:

"Who is our heavenly father?"

She stuck him with a pin again and he yelled:

"GOD!!!"

And, yet again, he fell back asleep. At the end of the sermon, the preacher asked:

"What did the angels say to Mary?"

She poked him with the pin again, then he said:

"I swear to God, if you poke me with that pin one more time, I'll shove it up your a**!!!!"

The Lucky Saucer

An art collector is walking through London looking for a Christmas present, when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a shop.

He does a double take, when he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two pounds.

The shop owner replies,

“I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale. ”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty pounds for it. ”

And the owner says, “Sold, ” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “For twenty quid, I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me having to get a dish.”


And the owner says, “Sorry, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats. ”

An English couple adopt a child from Germany, however, this should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about as it's a healthy baby boy.

As the child grows older, he shows a preference for dressing in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but there is nothing to worry about as all his basic functions develop normally. He can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks.


The concerned parents take him to a doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom.

Years pass. The German child enters his teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects he is fully functional.

The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup.

Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly says, "Mother. This soup has no paprika in it."

The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak! And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?"

"Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

:D