look what happens if you re-arrange the letters of the following words....
DORMITORY - dirty room
DESPERATION- a rope ends it
THE EYES - they see
THE MORSE CODE - here come dots
SLOT MACHINES - cash lost in me
ANIMOSITY - is no amity
A DECIMAL POINT - i'm a dot in place
SNOOZE ALARMS - alas, no more Z's
ASTRONOMER - moon starer
ELEVEN PLUS TWO - twelve plus one
ELECTION RESULTS - lie, lets re-count
and my favorite....
MOTHER-IN-LAW - woman hitler
amazing... isn't it?
Full Version: Jokes- Part 2!
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37
that is very strange? 
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let here grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let here grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry.
A SHORT STORY...
Night before the wedding, the Groom visits the Bride. In the livingroon, bride's Hot sister tells him "If you want to have sex with me, I'll be upstairs!" He stood there shocked and confused. Then he made up his mind and and went to his car parked outside. To his surprise, his bride was waiting there with tears in her eyes saying, "You just passed the test. I'm so honored to be your wife!"
The moral of this short story.
MEN, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!!
Night before the wedding, the Groom visits the Bride. In the livingroon, bride's Hot sister tells him "If you want to have sex with me, I'll be upstairs!" He stood there shocked and confused. Then he made up his mind and and went to his car parked outside. To his surprise, his bride was waiting there with tears in her eyes saying, "You just passed the test. I'm so honored to be your wife!"
The moral of this short story.
MEN, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!!
Great jokes guys 
Click Ben & Dan to see it.
Click Incoming & Outgoing see it
Click Made In Japan see it.
Will keep on up coming soon... hope you'll like it.
Click Incoming & Outgoing see it
Click Made In Japan see it.
Will keep on up coming soon... hope you'll like it.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story??
OH, come on..take a guess!
Think about it.
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
...You can't kill two birds with one stone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story??
OH, come on..take a guess!
Think about it.
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
...You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Historical fact about SH*T
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertiliser, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in that form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water at sea hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a natural by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could and did happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term 'sh*t' which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertiliser, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in that form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water at sea hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a natural by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could and did happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term 'sh*t' which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Crazy inventions
bit of a geeky joke. but here goes anyway.
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Types of men in Rest Rooms, which one r u??
Excitable Type : Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Sociable Type : Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type : Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has peed and sneaks back later.
Noisy Type : Whistles loudly. Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Indifferent Type : All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Clever Type: Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at same time.
Vain Type: Undoes 5 buttons to take out tool when 2 would have done.
Absent Minded Type : Opens jacket, takes out his tie and pees in his pants.
Worried Type: Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of his tool while peeing.
Disgrunted Type: Stands for a while, grunts,farts, tries to pee, fails, farts and walks away.
Sneaky Type : Drops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him.
Sloppy Type : Pees down into his shoe, walks out with his zip open and adjusts his balls 10 mins later.
Learned Type : Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
Childish Type: Looks at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles while peeing.
Strong Type : Bangs tool on the side of the urinal to knock the drops off.
Drunken Type : Pulls out his tool, sees two, puts one back and pees in his trousers.
Embarrased Type : Covers his tool with both hands as he stands there and pees through his fingers.
Cockeyed Type : Stands in one cubical and pees in next.
Excitable Type : Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Sociable Type : Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type : Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has peed and sneaks back later.
Noisy Type : Whistles loudly. Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Indifferent Type : All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Clever Type: Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at same time.
Vain Type: Undoes 5 buttons to take out tool when 2 would have done.
Absent Minded Type : Opens jacket, takes out his tie and pees in his pants.
Worried Type: Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of his tool while peeing.
Disgrunted Type: Stands for a while, grunts,farts, tries to pee, fails, farts and walks away.
Sneaky Type : Drops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him.
Sloppy Type : Pees down into his shoe, walks out with his zip open and adjusts his balls 10 mins later.
Learned Type : Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
Childish Type: Looks at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles while peeing.
Strong Type : Bangs tool on the side of the urinal to knock the drops off.
Drunken Type : Pulls out his tool, sees two, puts one back and pees in his trousers.
Embarrased Type : Covers his tool with both hands as he stands there and pees through his fingers.
Cockeyed Type : Stands in one cubical and pees in next.
Easily misunderstood...
Don't take things in the wrong sense:
* When the DOCTOR says, Take off your clothes
* When the DENTIST says, Open wide
* When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown ?
* When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back ?
* When the INTERIOR DECORATOR say, Once it's in, you'll love it.
* When the BANKER say, If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.
* When the HUNTER says Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
* When the TELEPHONE GUY says, "Would you like it On the table or against the wall ?"
Don't take things in the wrong sense:
* When the DOCTOR says, Take off your clothes
* When the DENTIST says, Open wide
* When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown ?
* When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back ?
* When the INTERIOR DECORATOR say, Once it's in, you'll love it.
* When the BANKER say, If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.
* When the HUNTER says Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
* When the TELEPHONE GUY says, "Would you like it On the table or against the wall ?"
Funny AD
Funny AD
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard,and Peter Costello.
They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car To
car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard,and Peter Costello.
They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to
douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car To
car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Dear Dr. Phil:
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.
I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And, she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do??
Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks.
P..S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!
DR Phil
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.
I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead, she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And, she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do??
Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks.
P..S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!
DR Phil
The Pastor's a**
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S A$$ OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A$$.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day
NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery
and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life...
Stop worrying about everyone else's a$$ and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer!
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S A$$ OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A$$.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day
NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery
and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life...
Stop worrying about everyone else's a$$ and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer!
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory d!ckory dock..."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory d!ckory dock..."
A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across
the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all,
I was married to her for 40 years."
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across
the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all,
I was married to her for 40 years."
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade & I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade & behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in & the conditions were explained to him & he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: " 36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks & tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal & Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide & before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down & a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' & ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat & excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade & I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade & behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in & the conditions were explained to him & he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: " 36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks & tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal & Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide & before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down & a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' & ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat & excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Great jokes what the? !
The early bird may get the worm, but the late rising worm wont get eating.
People always insult religion, speak of how false it is. But I do believe god made the world in seven days. It was a rush job, one look at you can tell that it's falling to pieces
The government are trying to put the 'Fun' back into fundamentalism. A shame they forgot the 'Mental', in fundamentalism.
People call me babe. Is it 'cause I'm cute? No! It's 'cause I look like a talking pig
I'm not here right now, if you'd like to reach me on my mobile phone, buy me 1.
I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.
Since history never stops, when does the future begin?
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Why do we have real life on television? That's what windows are for
Written on a wall in the men's room: "My wife follows me everywhere.." Written just below it: "I do not."
My jokes are like a quiz show. One person laughs and everyone else goes "How the hell did he get that?"
People always insult religion, speak of how false it is. But I do believe god made the world in seven days. It was a rush job, one look at you can tell that it's falling to pieces
The government are trying to put the 'Fun' back into fundamentalism. A shame they forgot the 'Mental', in fundamentalism.
People call me babe. Is it 'cause I'm cute? No! It's 'cause I look like a talking pig
I'm not here right now, if you'd like to reach me on my mobile phone, buy me 1.
I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.
Since history never stops, when does the future begin?
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Why do we have real life on television? That's what windows are for
Written on a wall in the men's room: "My wife follows me everywhere.." Written just below it: "I do not."
My jokes are like a quiz show. One person laughs and everyone else goes "How the hell did he get that?"
A schoolteacher was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders
Using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by colour and
flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry"
"Yellow...............lemon"
"Green................lime"
"Orange...............orange"
Finally, he gave them Honey flavoured Lifesavers.
After eating them for Few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may Sometimes call your father......"
one little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled,
"Everybody spit them out - they're a$$holes!"
Using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by colour and
flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry"
"Yellow...............lemon"
"Green................lime"
"Orange...............orange"
Finally, he gave them Honey flavoured Lifesavers.
After eating them for Few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may Sometimes call your father......"
one little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled,
"Everybody spit them out - they're a$$holes!"
great jokes guys
The truth about that sixth sense
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Welcome back oops. good joke.
__
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight attendants' hell."
__
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's flight attendants' hell."
It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law.
Anyway... One day all the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.
A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.
The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave, On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died.
The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular one was more heart broken than the rest.
Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.
Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her, "Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?"
The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied... "No, she missed the bus!"
Anyway... One day all the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.
A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.
The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave, On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died.
The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular one was more heart broken than the rest.
Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.
Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her, "Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?"
The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied... "No, she missed the bus!"
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don`t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don`t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don`t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don`t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Great jokes hun A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!"
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and
finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and
finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
lmao good one
Thanks shoutout
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all
ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all
ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
"Mouse Balls"
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
"Mouse Balls"
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
"Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle pox?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
"Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle pox?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
great jokes guys This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed
laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees
her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on
earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup
and my doctor says I have breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She
starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what
did he say about your 65 year-old a*s?"
Your name never came up..." she replied
nice jokes people
includes you miss sexy
includes you miss sexy
Thanks mr smexy demon 
DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
These include any chocolate used for energy,
brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
of personal fuel.
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
These include any chocolate used for energy,
brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
of personal fuel.
i luv those Diet Tps
lmao Oopsession like them my self always on a seefood DIET myself love your Take 5 minutes each day to bend over.. and tell the world to kiss your A$$ it reminds me of ever plane trip i take when they go over the safety always say to my self yup just bend over and kiss your a** good bye
Roflmao i'm not a lover of flying so i know what you mean...but i went to Italy once by bus..it took 2 whole days 
so i just cross my fingers and fly now 
so i know what you mean...but i went to Italy once by bus..it took 2 whole days so i just cross my fingers and fly now
great jokes guys
QUOTE
i went to Italy once by bus
which bus goes from scotland to italy?
It went from Scotland to London and from London to Florence and so on maybe next time you should come with me and see for yourself
QUOTE
maybe next time you should come with me and see for yourself
maybe next time i will
are you from scotland Oopsession i was born in paisley myself its near Glasgow
QUOTE(adonisdemon @ Sep 9 2006, 12:41 AM)
QUOTE
maybe next time you should come with me and see for yourself
maybe next time i will
[right][snapback]234428[/snapback][/right]
Good then the nights won't be so long
QUOTE(shoutout @ Sep 9 2006, 03:16 AM)
are you from scotland Oopsession i was born in paisley myself its near Glasgow
[right][snapback]234455[/snapback][/right]
[right][snapback]234455[/snapback][/right]
I stay about 30 miles from Glasgow
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