A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, `Where did you get all that blood from?`
The second bat replies, `Follow me. I`ll show you.`
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, `You see that wall over there?`
The hungry bat excitedly says, `Yes!`
Other bat says, `I didn`t.`

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, `Mind if I ask why`d ya kiss your horse on the butt?`
The cowboy says, `It`s `cause I got chapped lips.`
The bartender asks, `Does manure help them heal?`
Cowboy replies, `No, but it keeps me from licking them.`

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, `Going to a party?`
`Yeah, a costume party,` the man answered, `I`m supposedto come dressed as my love life.`
`But you look like Abe Lincoln.` protested the barkeep.
`That`s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.`

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn`t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said `Hang on, I have an idea.`
He went next door to the butcher`s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said `Are you crazy? Now we don`t have any money left at all!`
Murphy replied, `Don`t worry - just follow me.`
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said `Now you`ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven`t got any money!!`
Murphy replied, with a smile. `Don`t ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!`
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, `OK, I`ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.`
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said `Murphy - I don`t think I can do any more of this. I`m drunk and me knees are killin` me!`
Murphy said, `How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, `I screwed your mom last night!` Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, `Your mom was good in bed last night!` Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, `Dad, go home, you`re drunk!`

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of a** that brings tears to your eyes!

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don`t screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.

What`s the easiest way to put a giraffe in a fridge?

By opening the door and putting it in.

What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A sponge.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He`s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, `What`s in the bags?`
`Sand,` answered Juan.
The guard says, `We`ll just see about that get off the bike.` The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man`s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, `What have you got?`
`Sand,` says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn`t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
`Hey, Buddy,` says the guard, `I know you are smuggling something. It`s driving me crazy. It`s all I think about..... I can`t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?`
Juan sips his beer and says, `Bicycles.`

Q: What`s blue and fluffy?
A: Blue fluff.

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, `We don`t want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?` The mother told them, `Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours.` So the nuns left thinking, `What can I do that`s unholy?`
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, `What unholy thing did you do?` and the nun said `I stole a kid`s bike.` The mother said, `I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn`t a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, `What unholy thing did you do?` The nun replied, `I slept with a married man!` The mother said, `Well, that`s sinning. Go drink holy water.`
The third nun walked in and the mother said, `What unholy thing did you do?` The third nun said proudly, `I pissed in the holy water!`

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it`s being stored at the Priest`s house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, `What are you doing?` The Priest responded, `I`m blessing the car.` So the Rabbi said `Okay, since we`re doing that....` and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

`My God! What happened to you?` the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
`I got in a tiff with Riley.`
`Riley? He`s just a wee fellow,` the barkeep said, surprised. `He must have had something in his hand.`
`That he did,` Kelly said. `A shovel it was.`
`Dear Lord. Didn`t you have anything in your hand?`
`Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley`s left boob.` Kelly said. `And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.`

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
`Look,` he said, `let`s have a little game. I`ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t then you buy me one. OK?`
`Ja, dat sounds purty good,` said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, `My father and mother had one child. It wasn`t my brother. It wasn`t my sister. Who was it?`
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, `I give up. Who vas it?`
`It was ME,` chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
`Sven,` he said, `I got a game. If you can answer a question, I`ll buy you a drink. If you can`t, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?`
`Fair enough,` said Sven.
`Ok,` the Norwegian said, `my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn`t my brudder. It vasn`t my sister. Who vas it?`
`Search me,` said Sven. `I give up, who vas it?`
The Norwegian burst out, `It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!`

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?

Two hundred soles were lost.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, `I`m sorry to bother you, but I`m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.`
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, `I`ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let`s pretend we`re married.`
The woman thinks for a moment. `Why not,` she giggles.
`Great,` he replies, `Get your own damn blanket!`

What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.

A little kid asks his father, `Daddy, is God a man or a woman?`
`Both son. God is both.`
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, `Daddy, is God black or white?`
`Both son, both.`
`Daddy, does God love children?`
`Yes son, he loves all children.`
The child returns a few minutes later and says, `Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?`

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, `Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.`
The reporter said, `Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.`
The old explorer said, `No, not then -- just now when I went ``ROARRRR!```

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces:
- My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 10 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed, he said:
- My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?
The guy says:
- Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route. At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked:
- What's your name?
- Patty, she replied.
She had a seat in the back of the bus.
On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him "Special Ross".
Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.
Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.
On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking...
- Damn, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!

A woman had 6 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid:
- Kevin.
- Right - he said - what about that blond one over there?
- Kevin, she said.
- Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?
- Kevin, she said.
- Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?
- Kevin, she said.
- Are all your boys called Kevin? - he asked - isn't that terribly complicated?
- Not at all - she said - it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.
- I see. But what if you want only one of them?
- No problem - she answers - Then I call them by their surnames.

what's the diferent between E.T. and polish man? E.T. speaks english, has a bicycle and wants to come home

`A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn`t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.`The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: `My friend is dead! What can I do?``The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: `Just take it easy. I can help. First, let`s make sure he`s dead.``There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy`s voice comes back on the line. He says: `OK, now what?``

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?A chocolate BAA

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says `Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!` But the cash register attendee doesn`t speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he`d need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

This guy goes to the Olympics and sees a guy carrying a long pole.He asks - Are you a pole vaulter?Guy replies - No I`m German, and my name is Hans.

Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to perform a logical right shift?A: 32. One to hold the bits and 31 to push the register.

What do real men do to please their women?Real men don`t care.

A big scary looking man comes to a trader in a slave market. `Can you sell me ten slaves for some, uh, fun`. `Of course` says the trader. The man picks 10 fittest male slaves, orders them to stay in line and then takes a gun and shoots nine of them at random. The surprised trader asks: `Why the hell didn`t you buy just one instead of wasting 9 perfectly good slaves`. The man answers: `That`s just not the same... Look at that last guy - he has such a tight a** now!`

A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, `give me a drink.` The bartender says, `sorry, we don`t serve bears.` The bear says, `well, give me a drink or I`ll eat that woman at the other end of the bar.` The bartender says, `psh, go ahead.` So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, `we don`t serve bears on drugs.` The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, `what? I`m not on drugs.` And the bartender says, `that was a bar-<swearword snipped>-you-ate`

A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, `give me a drink.` The bartender says, `sorry, we don`t serve bears.` The bear says, `well, give me a drink or I`ll eat that woman at the other end of the bar.` The bartender says, `psh, go ahead.` So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, `we don`t serve bears on drugs.` The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, `what? I`m not on drugs.` And the bartender says, `that was a bar-<swearword snipped>-you-ate`

One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn`t very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket`s left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he`s driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck`s black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, `You`re writing me a ticket!? What for?` The officer replies, `Posession of an illegal fire arm.`

An American, a Japanese man, and a man from a Botswana are in a sauna. There is a ringing sound the American makes his hand into a phone shape, whispers, `Phone call,` to the other two men, and answers it. Then, there`s a beeping noise the Japanese man taps his wrist several times, and says, `I`m being IM`ed.` The Botswanan goes to the bathroom, and when he comes back, there`s toilet paper trailing from his a**. The American says, `You know, uh, you have some toilet paper back behind...``I`m getting a fax.`

A general noticed one of his privates was behaving oddly. He`d pick up a piece of paper and say, `No, no, that`s not it!` After some weeks he was seen by the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist concluded the private was deranged and wrote his discharge from the army. The private picked it up and said, `Yes, that`s it!`

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?

Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can`t they just get taller women?

If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to bangkok

Q: Why the fireman was burried on the top of the hill? A: Because he was dead.

Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...`Can you put me up for the night?`

Throwing glass is wrong in some peoples eyes.

Math and alcohol don`t mix. Don`t drink and derive.

Q: Why didn`t Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat?A: She wanted to wash up on shore.

A man walks into a therapist`s with just clingfilm around his waist therapist says, `I can clearly see you`re nuts`.

A Bostoner is visiting Austin, admiring a large bronze statue. One of the locals approaches and says, `This here`s a Texas Ranger.`The Bostoner says, `We have a statue like this in my hometown, a statue of Paul Revere.`The Texan thinks about this for a long moment. `Is that that guy who had`ta git help?`

A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks `Are you the Fish Fryer?` To which the man replies, `No, I`m the Chip Monk`.