Now that was hilarious

Thanks

Santa went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," Santa replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs. 1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

A young couple is getting married. The man is annoyed by the woman's sister, because she's seducing him and wearing seductive clothes. The day before the marriage, the man and his future sis-in-law are alone at home. Suddenly the future sis-in-law says: "Hey, do you want to have a good time upstairs, before you're married tomorrow?" The man says "Alright". The man follows his future sis-in-law to the corridor. She walks upstairs, but he doesn't. Instead of walking upstairs, he walks outside. His entire family-in-law is standing there, cheering for him and screaming: "WELL DONE, YOU PASSED THE TEST!"

You might think: "what's so funny about this?" But please think...what is the MORAL of this story??

Always keep your condoms in the car

Hey Raj Am Missing Your Funny Posts Man
Here's One From Me

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line… but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell”

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; this describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace but don’t take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes – Damn, I’m good at

Telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

Very funny

Than ks It's My Favourite J/k

Another One::


A teacher of a kindergarden class was instructing the kids on the importance of talking like a big kid:

Teacher: “Okay, class, it is now time to stop the baby talk and to talk like a big kid. Okay, Sammy, what did you do this past weekend?”

Sammy: “I went to ride a choo choo.”

Teacher: “No, Sammy, the correct word is train, you went on a train ride this past weekend. Okay, Suzie, what did you do this past weekend?”

Suzie: “I played with my Dolly Lolly.”

Teacher: “No, Suzie, the correct word here is doll, you played with your doll this past weekend. Okay, Johnny, what did you do this past weekend?”

Johnny thinks for a bit and then says “I read a book.”

Teacher: “Oh, good, Johnny, what was the title of the book?”

Johnny: “Winnie the sh*t.”

lol

What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?

"Look Mother no Hans!"

A guy to his friend: Meet my wife tina....

friend: I know your wife....

the guy: how???

friend: We were caught sleeping together......



the guy : What the hell???

friend: In the Maths Lecture..............

very funny

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

vey nice jokes

I like this topic

very funny jokes lol
__________________________

a horse comes into the doctor's office,
but the patient cant speak
so the doctor says i know want the problem is you are a little hoarse.

101010

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

very nice shad!!!


hey one frm me ..initially this was in hindi ..i translated it for u guys!

two girls pinki - rinki were talking....

rinki said to pinki- hey ive got 2 news 4 u.... good n bad....which 1 u wld like 2 hear 1st????
pinki- good one 1st..
rinki- u hve passed in ur exam!!

so pinki got happy and then she asked for bad news
pinki- wats the bad news????
rinki-the 1st news was a lie!!!!!

ha ha very funny

Very Nice Angel

Santa: Look a thief has entered our kitchen
and he is eating the cake I made.

Banta: Whom should I call now,
Police or Ambulance?

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

missy & jeator gr8

@bubble

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”

“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down
next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer
un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”

“Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”

Family Problem
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife's my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson..

And you say you have family problems...

The Indian fainted........

ROFL.... LOL

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his
vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some
cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker,
but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've
got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and
I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!!!!

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly... You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

:wack:

"First," said the playboy,
"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

good

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his
initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love., ze spring time,
ze air, ze flowers ... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch,
remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu !
Ze woman she is dead !," before heading off as fast
as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath,
"Jean ... Jean ... zere is zis man, zis woman -
naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said: "Oh come on, come on
- Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze
spring time, ze air, ze flowers ? Ah, L'amour ! Zis is OK."

"Mais non ! You do not get it; ze woman, she is dead !"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat,
rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike,
pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story,
then to cycle all the way back and call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed:
"Pierre, this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field;
zere is a young couple naked having sex."

To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember ... it's
spring, ze air, ze flowers, ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.

"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON,
you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead !"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Oh mon dieu !,"
grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his tools,
thermometer, stethoscope, etc; jumped in his car
and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove
calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at
the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled
patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry.
Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady,
and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
-- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great
dinner to be fixed - unless I tell you that I won't be home
for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me
a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments ?"

His new bride said: "No, that's absolutely fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven
o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

A small 2-seater plane crashed in a graveyard. Jack Clousaeu was investigation officer. In report he said: 500 dead bodies found and still digging for rest..

Three College Rules-
1-Be quiet ln class bcz other are sleeping.
2-Dont 4get 2 carry ur book bcz it work as pillow.
3-Keep da college clean.
So always be Absent.

A man came to library in anger..He complained to the Librarian
Man : What the hell is this book?its contains only the name of Authors and their details,No story,No poems..i will sue you..
Librarian : Sir,you took our 'PHONE DIRECTORY' here is your book..

Hows that

[b]This is a Joke that really happened..
The place was Cape Town Airport-South Africa
A person came to a terminal where he saw another man is smoking and watching a Plane..
He told the smoker that "if you have saved the money spend on smokin in your whole life then may be you can buy that plane"
The smoker thanks him for the advise and asked him
"Is that Plane yours?"
Gentleman said NO?
Then the smoker said "That Plane is Mine!!"
The smoker was
Dr. Vijay Mallya
(Owner of KINGFISHER AIRLINES,FORCE INDIA F1 TEAM)

A neutrino goes through a bar.

Biggest joke of the year....I'm a disco dancer

Brunette's Cookbook Diary (why should blondes be hit always?)

Monday: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were
nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise
when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why
I was rolling around in the garden?

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients
in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with
this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home
a chicken. he asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good night Dear Diary.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow
to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get
a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
.
.
.
.
.

Men and dogs had best learn to live with it ....

Breaking news
Camera maker Nikon announced launch date of their latest camera model
Its was the most modern one which can take a photo A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT!!

hey guys
who knows why 6 is afraid of 7?