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> Jokes- Part 2!, Tell Us A Joke Ha ha!
Oopsession
post Jul 4 2006, 03:53 AM
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"


This post has been edited by Oopsession: Jul 4 2006, 03:54 AM
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storm016
post Jul 4 2006, 07:42 PM
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ouch :haha:
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post Jul 5 2006, 05:59 AM
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Good Joke Oops! :clap2:

__

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

__

What is a Kiss?

In view of...

GEOMETRY: Kiss is the shortest distance between two Lips!

ECONOMICS: Kiss is that thing for which DEMAND is always higher than SUPPLY!

PHYSICS: It is that essence, which CHARGES THE BODY!

COMPUTER: Its a LAN which connects two hardwares without any DATA ACCESSORY!
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Oopsession
post Jul 5 2006, 05:52 PM
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:lol: :clap: :clap: srajax great joke hun

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess whom?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

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post Jul 7 2006, 12:14 AM
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A guy walks into a bar. Sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he said,"Hi,there,good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,"Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, backdoor, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it!!!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too!! What firm are you with?"
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post Jul 7 2006, 12:36 AM
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Who Runs The Human Body?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just be an asshole.
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Oopsession
post Jul 7 2006, 03:12 AM
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:clap2: :clap2: That last joke was really funny :lol:


An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
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post Jul 7 2006, 06:08 AM
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:10: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2: Great joke oops.
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Oopsession
post Jul 7 2006, 10:01 AM
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:lol: Thanks hun :grouphug:

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
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post Jul 11 2006, 02:33 AM
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If only God Was A Women

Sex would smell like chocolate

Farts would smell like roses

Dogs would smell spring fresh

Babies would come from vending machines

Men would be born with a permanent erection

All women would have the same size breasts

Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE

Men would be born with an "OFF" switch

A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife

Men would inherit the menstrual cycle

Men would come with software to be custom designed

Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife

Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth

Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches

Sex would last longer than 30 seconds!
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Oopsession
post Jul 11 2006, 06:59 PM
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Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."

The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

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wintot
post Jul 13 2006, 12:15 PM
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Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you for good. I've been a good woman to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
called to tell me that you had quit your job today
and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new negligee. You came
home and ate in two minutes yes, and went
straight to sleep after watching the game. You
don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch
me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your
BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
------

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving
your letter. It's true that you and I have been
married for seven years, although a good woman is
a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so
much to try to drown out your constant nagging.
Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you
cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that
came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My
mother raised me to not say anything if you can't
say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must
have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new
negligee because the price tag was still on it. I
prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
could work it out. So when I discovered that I had
hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got
home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you
always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you
won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my
brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a
problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

:10: :clap2:
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Oopsession
post Jul 13 2006, 06:47 PM
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wintot :lol: :clap2: :clap2: great joke hun

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than
Sex!


1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.








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playas_inc
post Jul 18 2006, 05:22 PM
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:lmao: some great jokes guys keep it up :good:
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Oopsession
post Jul 22 2006, 12:12 AM
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Thanks Hun :grouphug:

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"


It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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