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> Jokes!, Tell Us A Joke Ha ha!
Oopsession
post Oct 19 2005, 09:22 AM
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I'll Start:

A woman had her husband's ashes made into an egg timer when he died so he could still "help" in the kitchen. :lol: :haha:


"Special Remedy"

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.

A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"

The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."
:lol:
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adonisdemon
post Oct 19 2005, 02:48 PM
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why did the essex girl look over the glass wall?

---


to see what was on the other side :haha:
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Edthegooseman
post Oct 19 2005, 02:51 PM
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Why wasn't jesus born in Hull??



Because god couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.. :haha:
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Oopsession
post Oct 19 2005, 03:17 PM
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Here is More:

A Brave man comes home late, drunk smelling of perfume with lipstick on his collar, spanks his wife's a** and says"You're Next Fatty" :clap2: :lol:
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Oopsession
post Oct 19 2005, 03:24 PM
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What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence. :lol:
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Edthegooseman
post Oct 19 2005, 03:57 PM
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@ Oops, i like that one :10:

I know you have probably heared them all but i have a couple of yo mama jokes

Yo mama's so fat, she wore corduroys and smoothed out the ridges...

Yo mama's so ugly , she went to a haunted house and came out with a job application...
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Oopsession
post Oct 19 2005, 04:26 PM
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@ ED they're so funny :lol: i never heard those before :haha:

Here is one for you:
Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on the rainbow skittles popped out... :haha:
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Oopsession
post Oct 19 2005, 04:43 PM
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A Man is taken to the hospital with 60% burns, the Doc tells the nurse "Give him 2 Viagras!"

The nurse replys: "why will it help him? "

the Doc says "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!" :lol: :haha:
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simplybad
post Oct 19 2005, 06:19 PM
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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
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Pneumatic
post Oct 20 2005, 03:56 AM
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This one's long, but its good!



At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling thewater cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


SILENCE...................


"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep s***!"



This post has been edited by Pneumatic: Oct 20 2005, 03:56 AM
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Oopsession
post Oct 20 2005, 06:35 AM
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:lol: :haha: That's Hilarious Pneumatic, Good One :10:
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rikard_sweden
post Oct 20 2005, 10:07 AM
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Once upon a time... no, wait this sounds like a fairytale :blink:

....

....

It once were 2 elephants that was out flying:

-but wait, we can´t fly
-no, but we´re flying elephants

:haha: or... pretty bad actully :haha:

This post has been edited by rikard_sweden: Oct 20 2005, 10:08 AM
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sg-GOD
post Oct 20 2005, 12:19 PM
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Once there was a sex survey conducted at the airport. A girl with a notepad or some papers in hand was stopping people and was asking few questions..she saw a Captain in uniform rushing towards the boarding gate..and she approach...

"Hi sir! its just a small sex survey..mind to spare few seconds?" asks the girl

"Yeah! No worries! go on..."replied the Captain

"when is the last time you had sex?" asked the girl

Captain in a cool way, "hmm..say may be around 1952..?!"

"goddamn! thats really a looooooong time!" girl was shocked.

"huh?! Not really....its only 2010 now" said the captain looking at his watch!

haha haha :haha:

(Hint: was it done at the airport? :P i don't know must ask the captain..hehehe)

This post has been edited by sg-GOD: Oct 20 2005, 12:21 PM
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Oopsession
post Oct 20 2005, 02:28 PM
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what do you call the old guy thats been in the closet since 1976 ? the world hide and seek champion :haha:
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Oopsession
post Oct 20 2005, 02:32 PM
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"How to Impress a Woman"

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.
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