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adonisdemon
post May 14 2005, 03:47 PM
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:lol: that's hilarious :lol:
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VanjaT630
post May 15 2005, 01:07 AM
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:lol: :lol: :clap2: :10:
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unamariposa
post May 15 2005, 06:59 AM
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That case true?? Wow.. :lol:
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:30 AM
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Someone died playing golf

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:31 AM
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I want to buy a golf ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:32 AM
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Dumb Alabama Laws

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.


Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
You may not drive barefooted.


It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.


It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.


Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.


Masks may not be worn in public.


Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.


Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.


Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.


It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.


Men may not spit in front of the opposite s**.


Incestous marriages are legal.


It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.


You must have windshield wipers on your car.


You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:32 AM
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California Crazy Law

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.


Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.


Bathhouses are against the law.


In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.


No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.


Women may not drive in a house coat.


It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.


Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.


Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.


Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.


Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."


Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.


Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.


Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)


Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.


Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.


Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).


Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.


Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.


Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".


Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.


Long Beach
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.


Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.


Los Angeles
Toads may not be licked.


You may not hunt moths under a street light.


It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.


You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.


Zoot suits are prohibited.


It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.


It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.


Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.


Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.


Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.


Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.


Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.


Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.


Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.


San Diego
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.


It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.


San Francisco
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.


Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.


It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.


It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.


San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595


Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.


Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:33 AM
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Texas Crazy Law

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.


A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.


The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.


When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.


It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.


You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.


A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.


It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.


It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:33 AM
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A cat's dictionary

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:34 AM
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This is one smart dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:34 AM
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Installing a Carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
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VanjaT630
post May 16 2005, 02:35 AM
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Annoying phone calls

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?

Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.
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fridgeuk
post Jun 2 2005, 04:31 AM
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To bring back some amusement :)

(IMG:http://www.nataliedee.com/041205/cell-phone.jpg)
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dr_megabyte
post Jun 18 2005, 03:54 AM
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A classic:

Microsoft vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.


6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.


7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.


8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.


10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


Mod Edit:@All, Please continue to new joke thread: http://www.mobile9.com/invboard/index.php?showtopic=17360

This post has been edited by vinnieza: Jun 17 2006, 02:12 PM
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