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> Fresh Joke Here, upload all your best joke :D
bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:04 AM
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Post any joke and funny riddle here! :D

This post has been edited by bima_trisnu: Oct 22 2012, 03:21 AM
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:13 AM
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HOLDING THE BABY

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wallbash.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:18 AM
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I DIDN'T RECOGNISE YOU

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't recognise you." (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:29 AM
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THE CORNIEST POLICE JOKE EVER!

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:31 AM
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THE CORNIEST POLICE JOKE EVER 2!

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself" (IMG:style_emoticons/default/weightlift.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wallbash.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:43 AM
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LETTERS FROM THE INSIDE

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." (IMG:style_emoticons/default/clapping.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/clapping.gif) (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:48 AM
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THE CHIGAGO POLICE DEPARTMENT

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif)

just4fun (IMG:style_emoticons/default/busted_cop.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy.gif)

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bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:53 AM
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DRUNK DRIVING STORIES

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch." (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 22 2012, 03:58 AM
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THE ESCAPED CONVICT

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!" (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 23 2012, 03:02 AM
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Firefighters at their finest

One dark night in the township of Whakatane, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files. But still the fire companies could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua Maori rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire chief, “The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that truck” (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wallbash.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 23 2012, 03:09 AM
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Pilots and engineers

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 28 2012, 03:46 AM
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ABCDEFG

An aunty saw a young couple. The girl asked the boy: "What's the meaning of ABCDEFG?"

The boy answered: "A Boy Can Do Everything For Girls."

The aunty felt so sweet and when she arrived home, she asked her husband: "What do u think about me?"

The husband answered: "ABCDEFGHIJK"

Aunty felt so surprised and asked the husband what did it mean.

The husband replied: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, and Gorgeous & Hot!"

Aunty was confused and asked: "What about I, J, K???"

Husband replied: "I'm Just Kidding!" (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 28 2012, 03:47 AM
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Boss Hidden Meanings Employee Should Know

1."We will do it" means: "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means: "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means: "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means: "Its not getting done "At least
not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide, I am very open to views" means: "I have
already decided, I will tell you what to do" (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif)
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bima_trisnu
post Oct 28 2012, 03:58 AM
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Learn english, this is why!

This is a true story from the *****(country name censored) Embassy in US!

A few days ago, That Prime Minister was given some Basic English conversation
training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told to the Prime Minister, "When you shake hand with President
Obama, please say 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and
you?' Now, you should say 'Me too'. Afterward we, translators, will do the work
for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When he (prime minister) met Obama , he mistakenly said 'Who are you?' (Instead of 'How are
you?'.)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm
Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'

Then prime minister replied 'Me too, ha-ha...'

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/nopity.gif) (IMG:http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/24.gif)
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